Echoing truth
by Stray
Summary: On a rainy night at a dubious place Akira stumbles into the person he least expected and learns a secret he didn’t want to know. Akira POV, lots of Angst! Pairing: various between Hikaru – Akira - Akari – not a threesome!
1. Summary Prologue

Echoing truth  
  
by Stray  
  
27. 03. 2004  
  
Standard disclaimer: I do not own - you do not sue. Anyhow, sorry for abusing again your favorite characters. And furthermore sorry for leaving Go completely out of this one.  
  
Warning: this first chapter is a bit unconventional. The others that follow will be more the usual type. For the whole fic counts: depression, lots of unrelieved tension (sexual, and the one to kick me hard on the ankle so my nose starts to bleed and my heart stops beating - amongst others) and mature themes. Thank you for patience and tolerance for spelling and grammatical errors. You know, if it bugs you, you can be my beta any time.  
  
-Summary- / - prologue -  
  
How is it possible that one revelation is able to start a whole sequence of changes in one's life without them having any control of it? The truth can sometimes prove very dangerous if it catches you unprepared. Unfortunately you only notice it after it happened and cannot undo it by pretending it didn't happen. The change begins always at the core and spreads out from it like a disease though it isn't necessarily bad. But it takes a certain state of self-awareness and understanding to admit that, what only comes with the progress of time. Unfortunately this transitional time of self-discovery can be the more painful the harder one sticks to their original conception of self-image preventing discernment to bring back peace of mind into one's life. Some people hold onto these false conceptions in their whole life, trying to preserve a false image to the outside world that causes them to suffer, never finding the harmony with themselves. Some though may be just able to achieve it through a hard fight that destroys them fully only to rebuild their life on a different foundation that is more likely able to hold. 


	2. one

-One-  
  
What do you do if you find out something about a certain person you thought you knew inside and out, that you didn't thought to be possible?  
  
And then when you realized, you suddenly thought that you didn't want to know it?  
  
How do you feel so unexpectedly confronted with the facts? Confused? Because you were startled when the sight appeared before you out of the blue? Disappointed? Because you feel it's something indecent, something to look down to? And ashamed, because you are aware of the fact that you weren't meant to know?  
  
You keep on thinking, you can handle this, like it didn't happen at all that you learnt about it. Like you did handle everything that came up in your life to this point. But the harder you try to ignore the unwanted knowledge, the harder you try to forget, the more you find yourself thinking about it, giving you this uncomfortable feeling down in the pit of your stomach. Then you try to tell yourself that it is not that uncommon in fact it is an everyday thing, and it isn't like that person did do anything bad or despicable with being like that. Only arrogant and intolerant jerks would think something like that whom you hate and always tried to diverge from. Still it feels strange to know.  
  
Then next time you meet that person, speak with them, you feel embarrassed and uneasy. You stutter and cannot regulate your thoughts, cannot concentrate on behaving normally against them - and that you have to remind yourself to act normally is only the sadder. At the end you leave them suddenly because it just got too uncomfortable for you to pretend. They are confused, wondering what caused this sudden strange behavior on your side. Did something happen, they weren't aware of? And if yes, what it was.  
  
You are disgusted with yourself. Since when did you start referring of him even in your thoughts like he was a stranger?  
  
Of course he wouldn't know because he didn't see you, wasn't aware that you were there seeing him in that situation. Somehow you feel like you would be the one deceiving him and not reversed.  
  
Then you suddenly think that he was the one who deceived you for so long, why is it you who has to feel guilty because you learnt about the truth? Undeniable that you feel guilty and it angers you.  
  
It happened in a place where the secret could have been well preserved, if only you haven't got there accidentally, wanting only a phone to call a cab and a place to stay till you waited for it where it wasn't dark, cold and raining. Of course you knew before that such places existed, but it just didn't came in your mind that you would ever see one from inside. You haven't noticed essential things, like the thick smoke, the scrutinizing looks you got when you stepped inside, the strangely cramped impression the whole place emitted, like everyone wanted to be near the others… and the absence of women. It didn't cross your mind that it could mean something until you pointed out a particularly well-known dual-colored head amidst the mass of people.  
  
Your first reaction was to go over and greet him, and you were relieved to have found someone familiar there to chat with until your transport arrives. Then you spotted the man he was leaning at and the way he did: arms swung around the other man's neck, both of them simultaneously swinging to the slow rhythm of the music. It was the moment in that the other features reached your consciousness, and you stopped abruptly not caring when someone bumped into your back.  
  
You were so shocked that you turned and walked out into the rain, leaving the place without waiting for the cab; walking home in the rain utterly confused not even noticing the wetness that soaked your clothes.  
  
You didn't know how you got home; your feet carried you on their own, because you emerged from your thoughts only when you bumped into the locked door of your home. You opened the lock with trembling fingers and got into the shower with your clothes on that you discarded onto the bathroom floor only after the warm gush of water warmed up your body. But it couldn't warm up your core and you stood there still shivering like for hours, wild thoughts running through your mind.  
  
Finally when the water started to turn cold you turned it off and dried, then stumbled into the room still undressed and threw yourself onto the bed. Climbed under the blanket and waited for your emotions to calm, your confusion to clear off.  
  
Why didn't he ever told you, you think, and then realize that it's an irrational demand. Why should he have? It is not something you tell everyone, not even your family, or your closest friend - when he even considered you that. Why does it affect you so much that you cannot go with it, like you do with everything else you do not have an influence on? Is that person really so disgusting or outrageous?  
  
Or is it simply because you consider him your friend - the only one you would describe with that term, and it saddens you that you haven't known about such an essential part of him?  
  
When you think more about it, you realize that maybe it was because he considers you his friend and does not want you to get repulsed by him. Albeit he cannot know of your aversion and its cause - some childhood memories of awkward situations you wanted to forget about but unsurprisingly never succeeded, - but most people react unreasonably when confronted with things that diverse from their standard approach to life. Maybe it's just the fear that you could be disgusted and your knowing would break up your friendship. And the scariest thing is to know that perhaps his presumed fears already came true.  
  
But it must not be an issue! Not if you consider the bond you two already have, that goes well beyond casual friendship. He is your eternal rival after all!  
  
Still, you don't know, what to do in this situation. Maybe you should tell him what you know and that it doesn't affect your attitude to him. That would mean to tell a lie, because it did already. Or you should pretend you don't know anything and care not about the secret he wants to keep from you. But how could you ever look into his eyes without giving him the feeling, you have something to hide? How long could you maintain that without him getting suspicious? You haven't succeeded last time even.  
  
Maybe the best thing would be to wait and see how things progress. To do what is convenient at the moment, or necessary to keep his friendship that means so much for you - the most important thing after playing Go. Maybe even more important than that.  
  
----------------  
  
tbc. 


	3. two

-Two-  
  
Akira wasn't sure it was a good idea to let Shindo drink so much. Perhaps no one did anything to prevent it because usually he didn't have to be reminded to keep his fingers from the bottle when he already couldn't hold it. Usually it didn't come to it, Shindo didn't drink more only to get a little tipsy and giggle right about everything.  
  
This time was different, he wasn't very high on to begin with, and it got only worse in direct ratio with the amount of alcohol consumed.  
  
The first oddity everyone noticed that night was that Shindo wasn't late, in fact he was the first one who arrived. He must have been there for an hour or so, because he already had a considerable load in him, but that only made him a little more lightheaded than he usually was. Good that it wasn't an official celebration party, only one organized and attended by go professionals of their age group, whom Shindo new from his insei time and some private friends of them who had no or only minor connection to go, like Fujisaki-san.  
  
Akira got the invitation from Waya, who gave it to him with the usual grunt, and Naze-san who was smiling apologetically and patting her ex's back to be more polite. Of course Akira knew that it was all an act. The two of them got of much more friendly terms as the years passed, even if he couldn't say they became friends, but there was a certain understanding and good working relationship between him and Waya that allowed them to spend a good time together out of go. But when those times came it was always for the case of Shindo Hikaru.  
  
Shindo Hikaru who after he greeted his arriving friends sat all the time alone in a dark corner filling his table with emptied glasses of sake. Akira didn't even know that he liked sake. He never drank it before. Shindo liked liqueurs just like he liked sweets and he was constantly teased because of that but he didn't seem to mind it. Strangely no one else did he invite to join his little drinking campaign, and people who went to his table left short after with a frown displayed on their faces. At least that was what a worried Fujisaki-san told Akira who arrived later after tutoring in his late father's go salon (he still couldn't call it his).  
  
"I guess something bad happened," she said. Everyone could guess that who only threw a look on his face, Akira thought.  
  
"Do I see two empty bottles on his table? Did he drink them alone?" he asked with a frown.  
  
Akari just nodded. "He is totally wasted now and wouldn't say a word to anyone. Perhaps you could talk some sense into him…"  
  
Akira crooked a brow. Why did she think he was the proper person to control Shindo-s freaking behavior if not even his closest friends succeeded? He still wore that frown when he stepped to his table and looked down on his sitting frame.  
  
Shindo noticed that someone was there. He slowly lifted his head but his gaze was blurry and there were red circles rimming his eyes. Akira thought he saw unshed tears in them but he wasn't sure, it could have been caused by the thick, stinging smoke that weighed down on the private room of the bar they got for the occasion.  
  
"What do you want?" he snorted on a raspy tone that indicated either too much alcohol and smoke or something emotional. Akira spotted a half filled ashtray before Shindo that startled him because he always thought Shindo detested smoking.  
  
"Can I sit down?" he asked ignoring the tone he was given and his own nausea that overwhelmed him at the sight and smells around the table. He didn't wait for answer, only sat down on the lacquered wooden bench next to his friend and rival. He had to remind himself that this extremely gawky and bad smelling pile of flesh was his friend, but he still barely could suppress the disgust and the urge to jerk away when their shoulders touched because of Shindo's instable condition. He waited but Shindo wasn't about to pull away, maybe he didn't even notice his aversion to the unwanted proximity or even that he was that close to him. His hand lifted to reach the bottle but he could not coordinate his movement and ended up knocking it over. There wasn't too much to waste in it anymore though.  
  
"K'sssso!" he cursed slurping the word. Akira hasn't heard him do that either to that moment.  
  
"You had enough," he said calmly, gripping his shaky hand and trying to pull it down because he lifted it to call the waiter for another bottle. His skin felt hot, sweaty and sticky, and despite his condition he still had power enough to force Akira into wrestling with him for a while till he gave it up and turned to face him.  
  
"So what do you want from me?" he asked leaning close and Akira couldn't suppress a grimace when he got the full load of sake and tobacco-stinking breath into his face.  
  
"I want you to stop drinking and tell me what got into you." The commanding tone in his voice and the solemnity of his eyes must have had the proper effect on Shindo because he seemed to sober up a little. He turned his face away and looked down to the hand still tightly clutching his own.  
  
"You wouldn't want to know," he said barely audible because of the loud music that echoed from the walls and throbbed in their ears. Akira made a small sigh, partly because of his small victory given that Shindo didn't persist on drinking anymore and was willing to pay him attention; and partly because of the words he heard.  
  
"I want to know. If I wouldn't, I wouldn't have asked for you to tell."  
  
Shindo nodded slowly but his mouth was tightly squeezed. Then he snorted in disdain and forced a sarcastic smile on his lips that didn't fit him at all. "You could say, I got dumped. Not a big tragedy, happens with people all the time."  
  
Akira frowned and the question: "by whom?" was already on his lips. Then he remembered that there was this "small" secret he wasn't supposed to know about and his stomach unsettled suddenly. So he closed his mouth cautiously, slightly unnerved, and decided to think of another question. "I'm sorry," he said in the meantime.  
  
"Yeah, you sure are," Shindo muttered under his nose and Akira choose not to comment on this one. He didn't want to start a yelling competition like the ones they used to have on daily basis when they were younger. Shindo was in a bad shape at the moment, so he couldn't be held fully responsible for his words. It's best to ignore his insults, he thought.  
  
He wanted to say something to continue the conversation the other needed right now, but he didn't have to because Shindo was in a talkative mood. "You know, in truth I was the one who broke up. I am tired of partners who only like me because of money and think they can exploit me for their own purpose just because I like them. And it is the more disgusting if they don't even try to be faithful. They think I must be blind, or that I don't care. Anyway… why do I keep ending up in that kind of relationships? Why do I seem to attract only that kind of people? Why can I not have someone who isn't after my wealth or simply someone who likes me for what I am?"  
  
Some months earlier Akira would have asked him why he does not try a relationship with Fujisaki-san who obviously was head over heals into him but now he choose to stay silent and spare himself an awkward situation.  
  
Obviously Shindo was waiting for some kind of answer and when he hasn't got any, he couldn't leave the topic.  
  
"Do you have someone?" he asked suddenly. Akira looked at him startled. He didn't recover fast, but when he finally opened his mouth to answer Shindo was already answering his own question. "You don't, do you?"  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"Don't you feel alone sometimes?"  
  
He thought that over and the conclusion was somehow startling and sad even for himself.  
  
"I do," he confessed silently.  
  
"And? What do you do to get away from loneliness?" The question was calm and pleading for an answer that could solve his problems.  
  
"I play go," Akira said sincerely. '…with you.' he added in thoughts. He was startled to hear a cynical, mocking laugh from his side that was so foreign form Shindo that he didn't even recognize at first that it came from his friend's mouth. "And you are content with that. I envy you…" The laugh died down in a sudden hiccup that sounded disturbingly like a sob.  
  
Someone stepped next to the table and stood there shielding the dim lights. Akira looked up and saw Isumi standing by his side. He was smiling carefree and there was Fujisaki-san standing behind him.  
  
"Come on, you two! It's no fun to sit in a corner the whole time! You should dance or sing karaoke! Come on!" he was just a tad tipsy but he meant it good. He grabbed Akira's arm and pulled him up then did the same with Shindo who was a bit uneasy on his feet, so he had to grab him after he lost balance and nearly tipped over. Akira guessed it was the moment Isumi-san realized that pulling Shindo up and insisting on for him to dance wasn't a really good idea to begin with.  
  
He was still leaning heavily on his older friend, as he willed his head to stop spinning and his eyes cleared slowly. But he was still drunk and it showed in his next words.  
  
"You want t' dance with me?" he asked Isumi. The other pro smiled just a little perplexed and tried to get Shindo up of him.  
  
"No, I meant you should dance with Akari-chan, or some other girl…"  
  
Shindo swayed a little now standing on his own but his balance held this time. He looked up at his friend and said with the seriousness of a drunken: "Girl…? But I want to dance with you, Isumi-san!"  
  
Akira saw the said pro blush and his smile got a little nervous. Then suddenly Akari stepped between the two facing her childhood friend and turned to Isumi over her shoulder muttering the word 'Drunk' so Shindo couldn't hear it. Isumi nodded and backed up.  
  
"Come on Hikaru! You need some fresh air!" she said and let him lean on her for support. Akira grabbed Shindo's other arm and pulled it over his shoulder when he nearly topped over the both of them. "I'll help you get him out of here," he said to Akari. She nodded giving him a smile that somehow succeeded to look thankful and apologetic at the same time.  
  
Unfortunately they had to go through the dance floor to reach the exit and if it wouldn't have been enough to try and escort a man barely standing on his feet over twenty meters, the situation was worsened by lots of people enthusiastically bouncing all over the place. They bumped into Waya who was dancing with Naze. The rhythm has changed into a slower, snuggling song and the showing and pushing ceased with it. Shindo choose that moment to tumble over his own foot and grabbed Waya's arm to hang on. He helped them to straighten him up and as reward he got a very persistent Shindo latched onto his neck.  
  
"Waya! You are my friend, aren't you?" Shindo slurred into his ear but his voice was loud enough for other people who were standing close to them to hear and draw their attention.  
  
Waya decided to take it easy on him though he was troubled by his condition. "Yeah! Sure I am!" he said.  
  
"Does that mean you like me?" Shindo asked then refusing to let him go, fully ignoring the urging of Fujisaki-san and Akira.  
  
"Why… of course I do! Everyone here does…" Waya said trying to free himself from the strong grip of his friend. Shindo wouldn't let him go, but hearing his answer he pulled back looking intently into his friends eyes and then finally pulling a smile.  
  
"Oh! I am glad," he said and from that moment on the situation escalated. Before anyone could do anything he leaned close to the confused man and kissed him full on the lips, his hands on Waya's cheeks firmly holding him in position. Akira along with Fujisaki-san tried to peel him down from the other who was momentarily paralyzed from shock but after Shindo tried to push his tongue past his desperately gritted teeth he started to deliver a violent fight to get rid of him.  
  
Akira felt his heart skip a beat and his head started to spin. The thoughts in it were chaotic to phrase it mildly. He felt like it was him who embarrassed himself before all the people and not Shindo. His mind tried franticly to come up with something to save the situation, and he said the first words that came into his thoughts, though in the moment he said them he realized how lame they sounded.  
  
"Shindo! Stop it! It's Waya and not Ayumi-chan!" he yelled desperately.  
  
The volume of his own words startled him but he got the desired effect because Shindo gave him a confused glare and let himself drag out by him and Fujisaki-san.  
  
After the sounds of the music died down with the heavy iron door of the club closed behind their backs and the chilly night air etched into their smoke-suffered lunges Shindo suddenly got vigorous but it only lasted till he dragged himself to a nearby tree and doubled over supporting his arm on the bark.  
  
Akira and the girl haven't followed him. They stood before the door next to the other silently observing from the distant their friend's vomiting. It was an awkward silence stretching between them punctuated by the quietness of the winter night punctuated with the low hum of passing cars and the occasional retching sounds. The snowflakes were slowly falling from above; their surface reflected the colorful neon lights. Some minutes past Akari rasped her voice.  
  
"Who is this Ayumi-chan?" she asked, her voice sounded weary.  
  
Akira blinked and looked at her. Her eyes were closed and she just looked so tired. He felt her tiredness take over him, and he knew it wasn't of physical origin. She opened her eyes and turned her head to him after some time when he couldn't give her an answer that would sound plausible enough. Akira looked away and felt a strange feeling of guilt wrench his throat. He swallowed hard but still didn't say anything.  
  
Akari looked up at the black-haired pro towering over her but she couldn't make out a single wince of muscle on his face that would have betrayed his emotions. He looked hard into the direction where Hikaru busied himself with the urges of his body to get rid of the alcohol.  
  
"There is no such person: this Ayumi-chan," she told him. Akira lifted his face and glared at her steadily not to let her catch on that he lied. Strangely her eyes held an understanding glimmer and became sympathetic as she let some of her sadness out softening her expression.  
  
"You know it, don't you?" she continued on and turned her head to look at her friend. "You tried to protect him, so you have to know. Unless there really is something that even I don't know about him…" she let her lips quirk into a little, rueful smile.  
  
Hearing her words it dawned on Akira. Of course she would be aware of that. After trying so hard for years to win Shindo's heart she must have come upon the real reason why she never succeeded.  
  
The gagging sounds have stopped since a while and Shindo was about to straighten up.  
  
"I will drive him home," Akira said lifting his head. She looked at him intently; he stayed there unmoving where she couldn't suppress her quivering from the chill. His dark, shiny hair tied together at his nape gathered some of the snowflakes, just like the colored lenses of his square-rimmed glasses.  
  
"Do you know where he lives?" Akari asked.  
  
-------------------  
  
tbc. 


	4. three

Echoing truth  
by Stray  
09. 09. 2004  
Disclaimer: I do not own Hikaru no Go, or it's characters and make no money of it. (NO?? Shit!) Anyhow… It's just for fun.  
  
-Three-  
  
Akira didn't remember the address. It was a long time ago since he visited Shindo in his flat. He remembered clearly. It was an awkward situation. He came to an arranged friendly match but it was apparent that Shindo forgot about that and he was struggling how to tell him. Akira didn't understand; Shindo couldn't ever be accused to act too shy or too polite. But then he heard some sounds coming out from behind the half-closed door and he figured that there is a person in there that Shindo does not want him to see. He frowned but courteous as he was he didn't question him. He said 'another time then' to Shindo and walked away but that 'another time' of his was much like Shindo's 'sometime' - it wasn't meant to actually happen.  
  
So it was the first time he saw the apartment from the inside. He was a little surprised that Fujisaki-san had her own key, which they now used to get in. It was small - to put it subtly. It only had one room, which was used as a living room, a bedroom and a study at the same time. It had a bed, a goban, a closet and drawer and a desk with computer - it seemed Shindo got used to PC-s at least. The place felt cramped, and somehow very not Shindo-like. One wall was completely covered with bookshelves containing a large collection of kifus, journals, books about go and various other themes and… 'what the…?' Akira thought, 'manga? Strike out the not-Shindo-like part! That was definitely Shindo. Well, at least a Shindo of age 15. But why did he still keep them?'  
  
'Why does he live in a hole like that?' Akira thought disbelieving. He could afford a much larger apartment or like Akira, he could have bought a house if he wanted from the money he earned as a pro. Of course Akira had the go salon too but it brought only that much that covered the upkeep costs. He only kept it because of the memory of his father and because he practically spent his childhood there. Now he let entirely Ichikawa-san run the place, so it was only fair to her that she earned the little return.  
  
Shindo was either sleeping or slurring nonsense leaning upon both of their shoulders and making their lives hard. They put him down on his unmade, rumpled bed and Fujisaki-san pulled down his shoes and socks then his jeans and shirt. Akira felt a sudden embarrassment that urged him to turn and look at something else but Shindo's body that lay there limp and bare except of a pair of boxers. He felt stupid. Shindo was a male like himself so why should he feel like he was a peeping tom for looking at him while he was unconscious and being stripped? But there was that little secret that apparently wasn't so secret like he thought. He imagined how he would feel when Shindo had the opportunity to observe his body like he did and he felt uncomfortable. To know that a man would look at him like that. But for Pete's sake! He wasn't Shindo!  
  
He didn't know what to do, because sure like hell he wasn't about to help the girl stripping the unconscious pro. At last he settled for asking, but Fujisaki-san told him she didn't need his help in anything.  
  
He stepped to the window and looked absently into the outer darkness that was now faintly illuminated not only by streetlights but the slowly but persistently falling snow. "Will it be okay, if we leave him there?" he asked observing the heavy white flakes swirling around, dancing in the wind between the walls of the high-rise buildings. He got a great view because Shindo's apartment was on the thirtieth floor.  
  
Then he noticed almost with a start that because of the outer darkness and the room's turned on lights the window acted like a mirror showing him the middle of the bed with a mostly naked Shindo sprawled out like dead on the top of the blankets. He tried to avert his looks but he couldn't. Like he someone else was controlling his body. He looked at the scene like he would look at documentary film about the life of insects on the Discovery channel with strangely illuminated premises and frames showed in slow motion. Then the illusion was broken by the motion of Fujisaki-san lifting the blanket to cover the pale, unmoving body. He forcefully jerked away his glare.  
  
"I will drive you home, but we have to leave soon, if the snowing persists, it will be a hard ride," his voice didn't give away a bit from his awkwardness.  
  
"He is out cold. I don't think he is going to wake up till morning," the young woman answered to his first question. Then she looked at him with an assessing frown. "I don't need a ride, I live in this building only six floors down."  
  
Akira looked at her with a blank stare for a moment. "Oh. Then I better leave now till I can." He looked out once more, worried. He didn't like to drive in snow this heavy. It managed to cover the roads in about 30 centimeter high. His car must have gotten completely covered with snow by now. He murmured a curse under his nose when he thought about that. It was hard to get even this far in that weather, he didn't want to try and break his neck in an accident. Maybe he should sleep in the car.  
  
Fujisaki-san voiced his thoughts when she spoke next.  
  
"You shouldn't drive in this weather."  
  
It would be a long night he feared. And Shindo didn't even possess a couch or a spare futon to sleep on. Not like he would get any sleep with him under one roof, but next day he had a commitment he wanted to arrive at on time. He looked around reluctantly if he could spot one place to sit down, it would be sufficient for the remaining time before dawn. Till then the roads would be cleared of snow and he could leave for home for a fast shower and breakfast before his appointment.  
  
The girl's glance followed his own and then looked straight at him with a tired confidence. "My apartment is bigger and I have a couch in the living room for you. If you don't mind that is…" it seemed that she wasn't that confident after all. No wonder, she was a young girl living alone and now inviting a virtual stranger into her apartment, for the night, no less.  
  
Still Akira caught himself absentmindedly nodding at the offer in acceptance.  
  
Soon they left the apartment and Akira followed her to the elevator without a word. He was so in his thoughts that he didn't remember the ride down with the elevator or how they got there after she locked Shindo's door or how they arrived at the entrance of her place. He only surfaced from them when she opened her door and stepped away to let him in first. Neither of them said a word till she showed him the couch and the bathroom if he needed to use it.  
  
"I have to leave early tomorrow," he told her when she handed him the blanket. She said she would go with him since it was the same time she used to leave for work. They awkwardly exchanged a few pleasantries and then parted for the rest of the night. Akira took down his shoes and laid his suit on the back of a chair before he cuddled into the blanket and tried to fall asleep for a long time before he finally succeeded.  
  
He woke up at the usual hour at six, hearing sounds from the bedroom that indicated that the girl was already up. He sat up and rubbed at his eyes before he got up to use the bathroom. When he looked out of the window, the streets were already cleaned from the heaviest of snow but the cars parked alongside the road were still deeply covered in the white substance. He considered it how long it will be to get it off of his car when Fujisaki-san stepped out of her room.  
  
There was an awkward silence for a minute and they just stared at each other. "Well," the girl ventured, "shall we go?"  
  
Akira nodded and tried not to look so clumsy like he felt toddling after her and trying to be polite and courteous while he didn't have an idea how he should behave in this situation. He couldn't help it if it wasn't his custom to wake up in and go to work from unknown girls' apartments.  
  
- - -  
  
Shindo Hikaru woke up at eleven in the morning. He knew it wouldn't be the best day of his life since the last night claimed its price in form of nasty headache, nausea and tiredness of soul and body. But he had to get up eventually so he did.  
  
It bothered him that he didn't remember what happened after the third bottle. His memory consisted only of foggy pictures, vague sentences spoken or heard and the feeling of depression turning slowly into some kind of lethargy that he couldn't shake off.  
  
He wondered who it was who brought him home. Though it was most likely Akari since she was living in the same building. But he remembered a presence of someone dark and distant who didn't spoke to him calming words of nonsense like the girl, but supported him with evident certainty when his body gave way and his mind plunged down into oblivion.  
  
He stepped into the elevator facing the doors. Two stories later the cabin stopped and he stepped by to give space for the janitor and the landlady who chatted with each other animatedly. His headache got off on the voices but he didn't mind that they didn't take notice of him since he knew how he looked like.  
  
He tried to douse the voices from his head but his attention was brought suddenly to the chatter when he heard the name 'Fujisaki' from the lips of the lady with the bucket. Apparently she observed her by emerging from her apartment this morning along with a man unknown, which had a black trench coat, shiny dark hair pulled back into a neat ponytail, square, tinted glasses and an assertive frown on his face. The lady thought him to be someone connected with certain crime organizations because of his appearance.  
  
Shindo Hikaru tough knew better. So his fogged memories now made some more sense but when the picture of the two together made itself into his mind's eyes he felt a strange emptiness creep over his already deserted heart and wished strongly he didn't get up at all this day. 


	5. four

Echoing truth

by Stray

25. 09. 2004

Disclaimer: I do not own Hikaru no Go, or it's characters and make no money of it. (Still NOT?? Shit!) Anyhow… It's just for fun (bizarre concept of fun…).

Warnings: depression, mature themes, bad English, yaoi hints (for now), and maddeningly slow progress of the plotline (even for my liking), disturbing het involvement.

- Four -

Next time he met Shindo was nearly three weeks later on the Meijin preliminaries. They both had a match at the same time, but Shindo finished earlier and though Akira indicated that he wanted to speak with him later he didn't wait for him. That repeated itself on the next occasion they could have met. Akira then realized that Shindo didn't want to speak with him.

Maybe he thought he wanted to ask him about his strange behavior at the bar. Akira understood that he wasn't intent about such a talk. But he couldn't possibly know that Akira was just as intent on avoiding the topic. He could scarcely tell him since that would imply that he knew more than he was willing to admit.

The only motivation behind his wanting to talk to Shindo was simpler than that. He wanted to renew their faded friendship and rivalry. The little talk at the bar reminded him of old times when they used to play each other regularly, just because of fun. They sometimes spent time together even out of Go. Akira only used to eat in the lunch break when Shindo was there dragging him somewhere into a nearly fast food restaurant. But lately none of that occurred anymore. And now that he was reminded of their absence, he really started to feel the lack of them.

Nowadays he felt his life empty, devoid of some kind of sparkle that made it worthy. He thought it was because he grew up, the idealism of childhood faded and he didn't meet real challenge in a while now. He accepted it, thought it was normal, but still yearned after something that he couldn't quite put label on. He just didn't know what was missing until that.

So he tried a few times to get a hold on him, tried to speak to him, but Shindo always found a way to evade his attempts. And now Akira could only think of one reason, namely that he did it on purpose. But Akira couldn't figure it out since Shindo didn't want to tell him. Maybe he was ashamed of his behavior at the party, though he doubted Shindo would have much of a memory on it. Or it could be something else. For as good he knew him he couldn't even guess. Shindo Hikaru has become a complete stranger to him - apart from the Go he played.

It was after one these attempts that he walked toward his car parked in an underground garage - his pace more forceful and wider than usual because of the irritation he currently felt toward the other Go player - when he spotted the girl on the street staring into a window display. She didn't move so eventually he caught up to her and then she turned and their eyes met. At first he just wanted to walk around her without call up attention to him being there, but he couldn't just do that after she sighted him.

"Good day, Fujisaki-san," he relented to greet her. It was funny in a way that he still called her with her family name after spending a night in her apartment, but otherwise it wasn't like they did anything approximately intimate on that occasion. She bowed shortly and greeted him but her voice was so low that he didn't hear what she said. She was blushing like her thoughts matched his but she tried to avert his awareness from it with unnecessarily rambling about how she was on her way to a self-service restaurant to eat dinner but she saw that cloth in the window and now she barely has time to eat and get back at her workplace in time.

Akira got the message and promptly said good-bye to her politely. It was just after he got into his car and seated himself at the drivers seat that he thought about how he could question her about the cause of Shindo's recent performance.

It seemed a good idea at the time. So he didn't vacillate much to call her on her cell and set up a date with her. Well date wasn't the exact expression in his thoughts, and he didn't understand why she would hesitate so much before she finally agreed to it, but when he drove to her house that night and met her blushing-stuttering performance, he understood that she must have thought just that.

The night went surprisingly good even with that little… handicap. She was nervous at first but after Akira started to talk about Shindo and their younger years she immediately loosened up and they spent a dinner with relaxed conversation about neutral themes. At one point he was surprised to actually find her interesting and didn't feel bored by her chattering. Her thoughts seemed refreshingly intelligent to him - a rare phenomenon that mostly occurred to him when he was speaking to female go players but his conversation with them was mostly only about go and he always excused himself of left unnoticed when the topic drifted to something else.

She was actually leading the conversation but Akira didn't mind. So he wasn't forced to take up that role that usually tired and bothered him. He liked better to listen to people speaking and not to his own voice - as much that fact the general belief about his personality contrasted. Of course it only applied when he was interested in the discussion.

He didn't notice when the conversation took another direction but at one point he realized that they weren't speaking anymore about Shindo. But that didn't faze him at all - maybe because of the great, rich flavored red whine they had to the dinner.

After he drove her to the apartment building and then got home he realized that he didn't learn much about his current problem concerning Shindo, because their conversation was mainly about their childhood and then some every-day things that involved getting know each other better. But strangely he didn't mind it. So he wasn't that surprised when he caught himself inviting her on the next day again. And then on several other occasions.

Though their meetings were organized and generally viewed as rendezvous, they never did anything more than being friendly with each other - and it wasn't that Akira didn't try. It only felt somehow awkward and inappropriate. After a month they were on first name basis, but didn't go further as holding hands and even than she was the one breaking contact with a strange mix of longing and guilt in her eyes. Akira saw that it wasn't modesty or disinterest holding her back. But he couldn't figure out what else. It was bothersome, but he could accept that she didn't want to move faster into the relationship. If what they had qualified even to one - Akira found himself question it most of the time. It was strange but not unendurably so.

Then it was this one time when they met in a slightly fancier restaurant than usually and were required to wear clothing equally fancy. Akira had no problems with that. He was used to formal wear since some of the title matches also required it. But she most likely wasn't and behaved unusually solemn. Then to break the heavy atmosphere he started to flirt with her, telling her pointless compliments and trying some mild innuendos.

At first she was game taking up her half of the conversation like her initial nervousness didn't exist at all. And then at one point she looked at him but her gaze flickered constantly from one point to other, eyes shimmering with unspoken anxiety and she told him, "I can't help it, I feel like I would betray Hikaru."

Akira frowned. "What do you mean?" he asked bewildered.

When Akari felt his glare on her she gave up the pretense of trying to look into his eyes and stared fixedly on her hands crossed across her lap. She wanted Akira to drop the topic, to pretend that he didn't hear her saying anything. But she knew him by that time well enough to know that he wouldn't. That eventually she had to answer.

She shook her head. She wasn't ready to answer to that. Not yet. "I'm sorry," she told him rejecting. "I would like to go home now."

- - - - - - -

Shindo Hikaru walked slowly on the gorgeously lighted streets of Shinjuku hands in the pockets of his "clubbing outfit" that consisted of a jeans and a bright tee shirt with sneakers. He didn't feel like hooking up with people so it didn't really matter. He only went out because he couldn't stand to rot alone in that god-awful apartment of his anymore. He sat in some bars drinking some beer - not enough to actually get drunk. Sadly.

So there he was trying his damnest to ignore the empty space in his heart and mind, to just suffocate finally in that slow current of lethargy that was his life, to be able to not feel and not think about changing it anymore and just accept that it was meant to be like this. To give up the false hope that kept him telling that it could be more, that is not enough and just give in that it will have to be, 'cos it will be the most he will ever get. And like always when he thought that he might be almost succeeding something had to happen that made his efforts nil again.

There they were: together, coming out of an expensive restaurant, dressed in elegant clothes and an atmosphere of normalcy that radiated that what they had together is the ordinary thing for ordinary people to have. They looked good for each other. He could see them being like this after several years. It seemed natural. Not like the 'thing' his twisted mind could conjure up for a substitute of a relationship.

He stopped abruptly not even noticing it and just watched them walking next to each other to a car. Touya opened the door for her and she got in. Then he got around to the driver's side and settled in front of the wheel. The car started - the multicolored neon lights sliding down on its shining metal polishing like a sparkling, transparent nightgown that isn't needed for the time coming - and soon it got lost in the vast ocean of vehicles cruising the road.

He let out a breath he didn't remember holding and resumed his slow pace with a frown on his face. Of course he had known about them for a few weeks now. Since he saw them once under similar circumstances. He knew he was happy for them. If it weren't for the light tingling feeling of yearning in his stomach. Yes, he wanted what they had. He was jealous for the happiness they shared. That they could have it and he couldn't. And he hated himself for feeling like that. He didn't hate them. He just couldn't stand being near them, their happiness lurking constantly in their shadow that reminded him of his own loneliness.

So he did the only thing that he knew would work - denial. He ignored them and avoided them. Although it got a bit difficult with Touya's renewed interest in him that he frankly couldn't fathom. Why now - after all that time? When his only desire was to be left alone with his thoughts. He would figure out eventually how to continue with his life.

He just needed a bit more time.

TBC.

A/N: I got an infected mail that I couldn't read. If somebody tried to send me something (you could never know…) please try it again. Thanks.


	6. five

Echoing truth

by Stray

27.11.2004

Disclaimer: I do not own Hikaru no Go, or it's characters and make no money of it. (Oh well... Still, damn!) Anyhow... It's just for fun.

Warnings: depression, mature themes, slow progress of plot, still bad English, yaoi hints (for now)

Reply to reviews: see the bottom of the page.

- Five -

Akira opened his eyes and tried to straighten out his blurry vision. It was hard; he felt like he did sleep only a few hours - or slept too much. His mind was foggy. He didn't remember how he ended up in a foreign bed or where exactly he was. That is until he turned his head and his eyes caught a mass of long, brown, shiny hair spilled out on the pillow next to his. The tresses covered the face beneath them but he recognized her instantly and his eyes closed in resignation.

So it wasn't an alcohol-induced hallucination, it really happened, he thought. He moved his sore limbs and noted immediately that he had nothing on. Of course if what he remembered took place it was logical that he was naked. They both - he corrected himself as she turned and nearly kicked down the sheet formerly covering her body. She wasn't awake yet though. He remembered that she had relatively more drinks like he had.

Not that what happened wouldn't have if they'd drank less last night. What happened was to what the whole night pointed to. Or, he realized, the whole past two weeks. Their relationship started to become tense with something - an anticipation of development that neither of them really wanted but felt strangely obliged to take on on the other's behalf. Till this time they haven't gotten physical past a few kisses and hugs. And even those felt strained and awkward after the moment passed. Akira wasn't bothered by this, he was never the touchy-feely type.

He also didn't think himself particularly susceptible to other people's emotional displays, but even he got the impression that they have gotten stuck on a level between 'a bit more that friendship' and 'the beginning of a real relationship'. A state that at the beginning felt natural and comfortable but it should have been a transitional time and it wasn't. It stretched far too long so it became troublesome. On their now regular dates Akira often found himself not knowing what he should do or say and caught her in similar situations of anxiety.

Then they got invited separately (he as a Go pro and she as the friend of Shindo Hikaru) to this party that was full with people who were professional Go players or their friends - people who knew them and were familiar with them. He thought Shindo was also amongst the invited so he was anticipating an opportunity to finally be able to speak with him. But he didn't show up at all and things took an entirety different turn that night.

Starting with the good-natured jokes of the other party-guests who of course knew that they were together since a while, and fully exploited the chance to tease them about it. They both felt awkward after some of the bolder suggestions so they sought privacy in a corner at a table for only two. They talked - even with those premises it was the most pleasant talk they had for weeks. After a few drinks and loosening up one of them - he didn't even remember which one - dropped a suggestion for more mundane activities that they took further hurling playful jokes at one another. And the idea turned into anticipation. It seemed a good occasion to take their relationship a step further.

Since the party took place at a hotel's bar, they just got a room for the night. A neutral place seemed to work best for their first time. Now he was glad for their mutual foresight. It would have been more awkward if he woke up in her apartment and downright awful if it had been his house.

Funny, how he couldn't detect any of those wonderful mind-blowing sparkles he should have feeling now according to what he heard every other day when he witnessed other people telling about their first night with their new significant ones. He just felt dull. When he thought about last night it just felt wrong.

He was aware at a certain level of it before but now he was fairly sure that he wasn't in love with her. Just like she didn't love him like that. They were both desperate for something so they let it happen, but what they had wasn't the real thing. They must have both sensed that, however they just kept up the appearance - maybe both hoping for things to grow out right. To wake up one morning at things miraculously have changed into a happily-ever-after. Realistically thinking that wasn't bound to happen, but who says lonely people's thoughts would be reasonable.

He noticed how her modes kept swapping randomly between hesitance and acceptance ever since that night in the restaurant. Sometimes she even initiated things - like last night that they get a room. But then she seemed to have changed her mind and stalled time like she needed a few more drinks to pull herself together to actually make use of it. When he had enough of her hesitance he offered to drive her home. That was when she took the offence for him to assume she wouldn't hold to her word. If he'd have a few drinks less he wouldn't have ever agreed to it after that, but at that point he too felt offended and just 'wanted to get over with it' - her words exactly.

The whole thing felt forced. No wonder he now felt awful. He didn't want to look into her eyes and could imagine fairly well how she is going to feel when she wakes up. The sex was good, but it was just that. Not what was supposed to be between two people, who loved each other. Just something he could have gotten from any other woman. And he felt worse because of that. Because he liked her very much in a way just not the right way. And what happened between them happened not because of the right reasons. And he thought she deserved more like that. Maybe he also thought he deserved more.

He didn't feel concerned, but of course he knew that Akari loved someone else. Before last night he didn't want to think about that too hard. After the night out in that restaurant when she told him about how she would feel like betraying 'Hikaru' he figured that she was still in love with him. If he'd have been in love with her, the realization must've been hurt more. But it didn't. Even after Akira knew for sure, he didn't feel the inclination to change that; he just accepted it like an emotional garbage every second person has to deal with. She didn't speak about her slip ever again. And he didn't ask.

He heard her stirring next to him and that yanked him out of his haywire thoughts.

Akari opened her eyes that widened at the same moment as she took in the sight of the unfamiliar hotel room, the rumpled, white linen and the lanky form of her lover of last night before her. Akira was leaning on his elbow staring at her or rather through her somewhere into the distance. Then his eyes focused on her face and she felt the urge to draw the sheet closer on her body. She felt herself blush and couldn't suppress the sigh and the accompanying word.

"God..." she breathed heavily as she hid her face behind her locks falling all over it as she bowed her head. She knew full well that it didn't sound like a "God! I'm so happy that we finally did it!" more like a "God! What have I done?" But she couldn't help but being disappointed with herself. If she could have read the thoughts of the man currently lying on her side, she would have agreed: she felt like shit. She was startled when he heard his voice from too close for her liking.

"My thoughts exactly." He said it more like an afterthought to a previously started conversation.

They didn't speak after that, she got up and used the in-suit bathroom, took a shower and got dressed. Then he did the same and they went down to the reception together. He paid for the room and then got his car and drove her home to her apartment. They spoke only two words as they said goodbye to each other not mentioning when they would meet next time or rather if they would. That was just fine with them both.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Akira went with his normal daily schedule of games, tutoring and receiving his study group at home for a week and he didn't hear anything about her. But he knew what he would say if she called - he didn't know why he didn't take the initiative and called her instead, it just seemed appropriate after all that happened. It was clear that last time they didn't part with pleasant feelings.

On the next Saturday at 10 in the morning heard the phone ring so he picked up the receiver and heard her voice. He felt fidgety though he tried to tell himself that he had no reason for that. He knew that their relationship had no future whatsoever. Surely she must have realized that too. In fact - he thought - she must have much sooner than he did.

"Akira?" she called after a considerable pause in that none of them spoke.

"I'm here," he told her absently. He couldn't help the swelling in his chest even if he knew with a certain finality what is about to happen soon.

"I just wanted to tell you..." her voice drifted off. He couldn't help but be annoyed with her hesitance. But he forced his voice to sound calm and collected over the line.

"Yes?" he asked for her to continue. For seconds he only heard soft whimpering noises from the phone and he waited with barely maintained patience.

"Look, I just wanted to tell you..." she stopped again but this time she was resolute and continued shortly after. "I cannot continue with this any longer. I'm sorry," her voice wore thin.

"It's all right," he answered taken aback at the actual calmness of his own voice. "I figured that much already. And I was going to tell you the same. Listen Akari, I really like to be with you but I consider you for a friend and nothing more." He was babbling. He didn't intend to tell her that much. He wanted her to be the one who says the parting words.

"Oh." she paused not knowing what to say suddenly. It all sounded so plausible and simple, albeit a little harsh. That was just Akira for you - she thought. He was annoyingly polite and smooth with strangers and got irritated and rude with people he actually liked. There was a time when she was at his 'polite' end, but not anymore. Did that mean that he really considered her a friend and not just a case of lost interest? That thought evoked a strange bitter-sweet warmth in her, but that wasn't the time to get lost in thoughts like that. "Right... You hit it right in on the head. So then..."

"I'm sorry..."

"Yeah, me too..."

The phone went busy after she put down. Akira sighed. He felt somehow liberated. But at the same time he felt bad. Maybe he just regretted what happened between them and that it ruined everything they had together. At the previous week he already missed her company. But he was fully aware that he didn't feel sorry for the missed chance to have a future relationship with her. It was better to stop now then regret later when the attachment involved one or two kids too, he thought in a poor attempt at humor, but he didn't find it amusing at all.

He felt an unfamiliar ache at the image of children and family. He always wanted to have one, like his father had. But he couldn't imagine Akari as his wife, the mother of his children. He wanted someone perfect. Someone he would never cease to love. Not a fat chance, seeing he didn't even begin to love her.

"I guess, I wasn't her type either," he said aloud. But he still wanted to keep her friendship - just how quirked is that, he thought. On a rare impulse he picked up the phone and dialed her number. After a few seconds he heard her distant voice that became kind of puzzled when she heard him answering. (He hoped she wasn't crying.)

"Akari, I just called to tell you, that I meant it. When I told you I would like you to remain a friend. Since I don't happen to have much of them. I still would like to meet you - as a friend. If you want, that is." He told her rapidly and then waited for her answer.

"Um... sure, why not?" Her voice was slow and hesitant. They both knew it isn't bloody going to happen. At least not for some time. "Well then..." "Bye." The last word they said simultaneously and then both put down the receiver.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

They were both surprised to run into each other the first day of the following week - just like they met the first time around. After that Akira didn't know why he had thought she wouldn't be still there after they parted - since she didn't move into another city or went working for another company. She just ceased to be his... girlfriend? Lover? He didn't even give a name to it.

Somehow they ended up in the nearby self-service restaurant that she was speaking about when they met the first time before the shop window. This time she had full twenty minutes before she had to go back to work - enough for a friendly chatter but not enough for her to think that he had other intentions. Neither of them wanted to talk about their failed relationship. It was funny how they ended up nonetheless speaking about it. Particularly about the ominous restaurant-incident when she brought up Shindo's name.

Well, it was Akira who asked first why she did that. He didn't intend to, it just slipped out somehow. And he was anxious because her mood fell noticeably. He was quick to apologize, but she just smiled and looked down on her food, playing with it.

"No, you're right. That was one reason why I wanted to break up. I'm sorry."

"No need to be." Akira answered on reflex. They sat there for a while in silence, listening to the chattering of cutlery and plates, attempting to keep up the appearance of actually eating.

"You know, I haven't seen him apart of a couple of times since we started to go out..." she told him out of the blue. "He avoids me. I don't want to fall out with him. Not even..." she didn't finish the sentence. She looked up at him suddenly aware how that must have sounded and apologized again.

"It's OK. Remember? Friends. You can tell me, if you want to," he said after a slight hesitation. She didn't seem like she did want and, frankly speaking, he wasn't so keen on hearing it, but it prickled his interest in a strange way. He didn't get the puzzle that was their attempt to a relationship and the curt end of it whole. Something was still missing from the general picture.

"He does it with me too. Avoiding me, I mean. Even after I let him know I wanted to speak with him," he told her after she didn't answer. It was the first time he connected that with the relationship issue. It wasn't prominent because his interest was renewed in him approximately at the same time but that may have been a possible reason for his reluctance in picking up their former convenient rivalry. And if true, that made the whole issue more incomprehensible and chaotic. Akari was in love with Shindo. But Shindo was gay; he shouldn't possibly reciprocating her feelings or should he? It just didn't make sense.

He was jolted out of his thoughts by her voice as she started speaking again.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to betray his confidence or hurt him. I've loved him ever since grade school. I was hoping it would go away eventually." Her voice was dull like she spoke about something that she realized a long time ago and resigned to the fact that in could not be changed. "I have to go," she stood up and looked down on him for a few seconds a sad smile still playing on her lips. "Was good to meet you."

Akira looked after her withdrawing form for a few seconds then gave up on the attempt of finishing his meal and left the restaurant.

TBC

A/N: Sorry Feely, this fic wasn't planned to be an Akira/Akari fic, even if I'm not making a difference here. Anyhow, thank you, for your review. I wish some other people would get a hint... Well I will continue, even if no one does, but it sure would help to get the next part out sooner. And for my other fic (Conserning him): the next (maybe last) part is half written now, I just don't want to end it like I originally planned, because some things still need to be explained.

And I'm still on the market for a Beta! (Maybe if I get some kick-butt I will write faster...)


	7. six

**Echoing Truth**

by Stray

29.12.2004

Disclaimer: I do not own Hikaru no Go, or it's characters and make no money of it. (Oh well… Still, damn! ) Anyhow… It's just for fun.

Warnings: depression, mature themes, slow progress of plot, still bad English, yaoi hints (for now). This is a slightly longer chapter, but don't get used to it!

Betaed by Anne and Quirk! You guys have my undying gratitude!

**- Six -**

On the first day of spring Akira found himself unpacking his trunk in yet another hotel room. This time it was in a semi-rural area around Osaka where he was invited to take part in a Go seminar with five other professionals: Ochi, Naze, Isumi, Saeki and Shindo. The hotel was built European-style and it had double rooms. They were accommodated in pairs: Isumi with Saeki, Akira with Shindo, Naze with a female go player from the Kansai institute and Ochi got himself a separate room saying that he could afford it for the benefit of not having to share. Akira wondered if Ochi would have insisted to get his own room if he'd have been paired with him since he never let an opportunity pass by to play him and try to convince him that he should be Akira's eternal rival not Shindo. He wasn't aware how futile his ambition was.

Akira had felt strangely ambiguous about the weekend since he was told that he would share quarters with Shindo. On the one hand he was anticipating the opportunity to be able to speak and play go with him in private since in the previous months Shindo turned him down repeatedly. On the other hand he didn't look forward to have to sleep with him in the same room. He knew it was unfair and had the seminar been held half-year prior he wouldn't have thought about it twice. He kept reminding himself that Shindo wasn't aware of his knowing about his sexual preferences. And that he wasn't to suspect either.

He was anxious because - based on former occasions - he didn't know if he would be able to conceal his apprehension and behave naturally like a friend - even if Shindo didn't consider him one anymore. He had every means to reanimate their lost friendship and redefine their rivalry based upon that friendship.

Having put everything in its place, Akira stood up and lifted the heavy Goban he had requested as an extra from the hotel service and put it down in the middle of the room, between the two beds. But the room didn't have enough space and it would have been in the way, so he ended up placing it into a corner. He knew that Shindo would notice it and wouldn't hesitate to ask if he wanted to play him.

He was alone. He knew that Shindo would take the train arriving at noon like most of the other Go players, so he had traveled with an earlier line. He wanted to be prepared mentally for the meeting with him so he wouldn't screw up right at the beginning. He feared the possibility of Shindo suggesting to switch beds with Saeki or Isumi if he got angry with him and he didn't want to risk offending him. He thought maybe it would be best if he didn't meet him until later at the seminar but considering his earlier tendency to avoid him, he wanted to ensure that Shindo would indeed be his room mate for the following two nights.

Akira decided on the direct approach. If Shindo prompted to request another room he would just ask him to stay with him. He surely would understand that when he told his reasons and if he still didn't want to room with him he would accept. Or he could always try to appeal to Shindo's compassion, explaining that he didn't want to spend the following two nights with an obsessed Ochi. Even if Shindo had avoided him as of late he surely didn't start to hate him so much to let him suffer that.

He went down to the lounge and began to read a colored magazine that looked like a unique issue printed out for this event exclusively. It had a short introduction by the CEO of the company that sponsored the event who apparently was an amateur league player. Then followed a few kifus from recent matches all played by the invited go players. Akira noted that there was one match selected for each participant. But after those there was a print of the Meijin preliminary match between him and Shindo from last year that had been an exceptionally close contest and had been spoken about for a long time though he didn't consider it particularly good. They had played some far better games, but most of them had taken place in the Go Club unofficially so it was understandable that the public wasn't aware of those.

He was lost in his thoughts - recreating one of the aforementioned games with Shindo in his mind - when he heard people stepping through the large glass doors of the hotel. He looked at his watch and noticed that it was indeed time for them to arrive. All other players from the Tokyo Institute were there, Ochi was walking in front loosely followed by the others who were conversing amongst each other, carrying a relaxed attitude. Shindo was telling something to Isumi that prompted the others to laugh and Ochi's frown to deepen. Akira concluded that Shindo must have made a remark at his cost.

They were standing before the reception getting their magnetic keycards when he stepped behind them and said his greetings. The other players turned towards him and they all started towards the elevator. When they asked why he was already there, he told them that he had arrived with an earlier train. He wasn't asked about his reasons to do so. Their rooms were all on different floors. Ochi was the first who got out on the first, then Naze on the third. Akira and Shindo's room was on the fourth and Isumi and Saeki's on the sixth and last floor. When the elevator stopped on the fourth, Akira stood behind. He didn't know if the remaining three other had already switched between rooms or if Shindo intended to ask one of them now. When the door opened though, the bleached blond stepped out without a word apart from a quick "Later!" to the two other players. He then looked at Akira questioningly and asked, "Aren't you coming?"

Akira nodded, feeling silly, and followed him, completely forgetting to say goodbye to the two older men.

"Something wrong?" Shindo asked when he caught up with him. "Where is our room?" He looked around but expected him to show him the direction. Akira started to walk towards the right end of the corridor since their room was the last one there. Shindo followed him immediately.

"So what's wrong?" he apparently didn't forget his question from earlier.

"Nothing," Akira answered simply and walked onward.

Shindo looked at him with a funny expression for a minute. "Oookay…" he said slowly, indicating that he didn't believe one word but wasn't willing to argue about it.

They reached the room and Akira opened the door. He went in first and Shindo followed closing the door quietly. He went to the unoccupied bed and started to unpack his things as if it was the most natural thing on the world. Perhaps it was and it was only Akira's imagination that let him believe that Shindo had intentionally avoided him for the past more than six weeks.

But he wasn't about to complain. He knew, if he did mention the topic, Shindo might throw a tantrum and get another room that he didn't have to share with Akira. And though he acted as if everything was normal, Akira could see a slight nervousness creeping over him as the silence stretched longer and longer.

"What time is it?" the blonde asked finally though he had a watch. He was clearly intent to melt the ice between them and the question was more to break the silence than an actual inquiry. Akira told him nonetheless.

"It is noon, we have an hour before we have to go to lunch. The opening ceremony starts at two." Shindo nodded absently, he was only half-paying attention to his words as though he was far away in his thoughts. Akira remembered particularly hating that habit of him. Not that they were in the middle of a serious conversation but he didn't like being ignored.

"Shindo, I am speaking to you!" he said indignantly. Only then did he notice that just then he acted again like he had when they were younger - he got angry with the blonde about nothing. His irritation grew but this time it was directed at his own childish behavior. He had thought that he had grown out of that a while ago. He was expecting a similarly heated answer just like in old times, but to his surprise Shindo just smiled at him sheepishly and shrugged.

"Sorry, I was just…" He didn't finish his sentence, instead he looked around the room for some distraction and he seemed to have found it in the board. "Wanna play a game?" he asked looking at it intently.

Akira followed his line of sight then looked back at him with a questioning frown. "What about lunch?" He couldn't decide if Shindo had made the proposition because he wanted to drain the tension of awkwardness that seemed to build up slowly between them or because he had suddenly realized that this would be a good opportunity. Probably both.

"I am not particularly hungry, I have eaten on the train. But if you are, we can take a break and continue later in the evening." After that Shindo looked at him assessingly and he returned his glare for a second. He had had only breakfast but as Shindo had just said, they could suspend the game if it got too late. Suddenly he realized that this was the occasion he had been waiting for for months and he knew that he would agree. Nothing seemed as important in that moment - not even the seminar - as to play against Shindo.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

In the end they played until it was high time to get down to the opening ceremony. They didn't have to break up in the middle. The game had started out hesitantly but had soon become fast and furious; neither of them took too long time to think over their hands. Akira felt like he was caught in the torrent of a flood or swept away with a raging storm - the thunders being the hard noise of the stones slammed down onto the board and he saw lightning flashing in his opponent's eyes. (Luckily the board wasn't an expensive one so they didn't have to worry about having damaged it with the sheer force with which they placed some of the stones - particularly when in the middle of a fierce fight.)

The game was over in one and a half hour. The outcome didn't really matter at that point. And that was more than a little surprising for Akira. They sat there in companionable silence after the last stone was placed, contemplating and relieving in the silent tranquility after the proverbial cleansing storm passed away. Neither of them had felt the need to discuss the game or break the silence. Then Akira lifted his head and as his glance swept lazily over the clock on the wall, he suddenly realized that they have only ten minutes to change into their suits and get down into the hall.

The opening ceremony was the usual boring speech that he heard a thousand times already. He didn't pay attention to the words; what he had to know about the event he had learned from the invitation letter he received and bits from the magazine that he had read while he was waiting for Shindo to arrive. Instead he observed the other invited players, more precisely he observed his rival. The blonde was a bit absent-minded, but when their gazes met his eyes flared up with the fire of their former encounter and that pleased Akira in a way. He was satisfied that he could still get Shindo to notice him, to wake an instant bout of rivalry in him when he thought it had been lost to him along with his childhood. He had nearly forgotten how it felt - wanting to prove himself to someone and the same someone wanting him to notice their ability and to be able to appreciate that ability, to be able to assimilate it, to learn from it and to reciprocate the favor.

They spent the rest of the afternoon separately presenting go tactics of varying difficulty to small groups mainly consisting of amateurs; or explaining recently played title games; and finally sitting at their respective Shidougo tables. Out of the four boards before Akira not more than one or two was occupied at the same time.

Akira had dinner when he had fifteen minutes free in his busy schedule and then spent the rest of the evening placing the stones on the board and explaining moves and strategies. It wasn't a particularly thrilling occupation but he wasn't bored either. He enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere, and the occasional gleam of understanding in the eyes of his counterparts rewarded him with satisfaction.

When he got up to his room, way past midnight, Shindo was already there, sleeping soundly. He lay prostrate, curling up a little, with his one arm tucked under his pillow. He was turned towards the wall and Akira saw the gentle rise and fall of his back under the blanket but couldn't hear his breathing, only if he strained his ears. Funny how he'd always thought Shindo would snore. It would have fitted his usual pretentious behavior. But that wasn't right either. True he had been pretentious when they were younger but now he seemed having been grown out of it - well most of the times anyway.

Still, he was relieved that he didn't have to face him this night before going to bed. As much as he wanted to share a room with him hoping to get to spend a bit more time with him to revive their friendship, the more he dreaded having to sleep in the same room with him. He didn't know if he would be able to contain his apprehension if he would have had to see him getting ready for bed, or feeling his eyes on him whilst he got changed into his nightwear - even if he'd be only imagining it. He felt an odd sense of foolishness while he tried to get ready for the night without making any noise and hurrying like little children who feared that the monsters lurking under their beds would get them if they didn't reach the safety of their cot in time. He even pulled the covers tight around him and let loose the breath he had been holding back only when he was safely tucked away under the sheets.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

The next day was a little more exciting. He and Ochi had a demonstrative game that Shindo was commentating, explaining the tactics behind their hands. Such demonstrations were usually not the ground for fierce fighting, revolutionary tactics and hands played based on intuition. So it surprised Akira when he was confronted with those in Ochi's play. He placed the stones with a ferocious determination as though they were playing a title game. He hadn't realized that the desire to prove himself was so strong in his opponent, but he understood just why he played like he did. Come to think of it, they hadn't got on opposite sides of the board since an eternity.

Akira tried not to give in to the temptation and plunge right in. He tried to hold his opponent back with a conservative and over thought game but he only could do so until he got onto the verge of actually loosing against him. That was the turning point when the murmur of the audience ceased from his mind. After that he only heard the controlled pa-chi of the stones, and the voice in his head that read his opponent's moves, predicting his tactics and adjusting his own game to get the desired results. Only after he placed a tricky hand, that looked like a defending move, but was actually preparing the board for a future attack that would completely disarrange the shape of his opponent, and Ochi's hand came to a complete stop in the air in the middle of placing his answering stone, did he realize that the voice wasn't his mind's reasoning. And it didn't sound in his head, but it resounded loudly. It was explaining his tactic exactly, considering all those future possibilities he would be most likely to use. And Ochi had heard it too. That's why his hand with the stone had ceased to move and hovered over the board for mere seconds. Then it slowly retracted and tightened around the stone convulsively.

Akira felt the urge to look up at his face - something he rarely did in the middle of a game - averting his gaze from the board. Ochi didn't look at it either, nor did he look at him. His hard stare was directed at their announcer whose eyes were fixed on the giant magnetic board that displayed their game, microphone held tightly in his hand and eyes blazing with excitement as he voiced the exact thoughts that were currently occupying Akira's mind. Akira could see in his opponent's eyes that he hadn't read it ahead. He had really thought Akira was defending his position, and only upon hearing what Shindo had told their audience had he realized his mistake.

Ochi glared for a minute at Shindo who seemed oblivious to the interruption in the flow of the game, then turned back to the board. But his eyes were hard and the intensity in his determination was extinguished by the realization that hit him. The rest of the game he played sourly and predictably like he should have from the beginning. And Akira was strangely content even if a good game was ruined. Apparently Shindo still possessed that unique understanding towards him that let him see behind his pretenses. The one that made them true rivals.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

After the demonstrational game had ended, they had had lunch and the rest of the day had passed just like the previous one. With one little difference: he had felt ridiculously happy about the occurrence during the game that Shindo hadn't even realized. Not that many people would have noticed the change in his mood; he wasn't one to let anyone else witness his emotions, not even those close to him like his mother. He acted just like at any other time, but he felt his thoughts and sometimes even his gaze drawn to Shindo; and unlike the previous day, now he was positively looking forward to the quiet time with him alone in their room after the day ended. He wanted to play him desperately, to have been reacquainted with him again. Much like he had when he chased after him after he had beaten him the first and second time, when he had known little more about him than his name and his strength. But that hadn't been really Shindo, now, had it?

He shuffled the nagging questions back away to his mind's rarely visited section, knowing that they would remain unanswered until he succeeded to earn the blonde's friendship and trust to answer them.

Time was flying and it was evening soon. Attendance became scarce; being the last night of the event, most people's attention turned towards the bar. The main hall had become deserted apart from a few guests still in the middle of their Shidougo sessions, the invited pros and the personal. Akira looked at his watch; it was half past nine. Then he looked around and spotted Shindo at his assigned table from the previous day, playing a young woman. He thought about it only for an instant then directed his steps towards him and stopped next to his rival. He looked down at the board assessing the progress of the game. It wasn't a particularly demanding match; she was pretty pathetic. But Shindo possessed a great deal of patience towards her hesitant moves - like every good tutor should have. He was only partly concentrating, because he noticed his presence instantly and looked up to him with a startlingly open smile on his lips.

"Touya! Sit down," he grabbed a chair and pulled it next to his, indicating where he wanted him to sit. Akira complied without a word and continued to observe the flow of the game in silence. The woman was disconcerted for a few minutes by his arrival but after she realized, he wouldn't go away, she resumed her acting towards that must have been her previous goal with an unnerving smoothness. She wasn't interested in the game at all. She was flirting with Shindo blatantly, and after he joined them at the table, she begun to cast glances full of promises at Akira too. He felt distinctly uncomfortable, but Shindo didn't seem to catch on her advances, or if he did, he hid it remarkably well.

She was just a bored wife (if the ring on her finger was any indication), undoubtedly dragged here by her husband, who was currently enjoying himself in the bar. He didn't blame her for wanting to have some entertainment for herself too. He just wanted her to finally leave and have that entertainment somewhere else with someone else.

Surprisingly enough, his wish was granted in the matter of ten seconds, no less, when her husband had come to pick her up and drag her away towards the bar, to his friends. Akira observed Shindo by collecting the stones and putting them away. Normally he would have helped him, but when he lifted his hand, the sudden thought of their fingers accidentally brushing together stopped his movement. He knew full well, if that should happen, the possibility was there that he couldn't control his unconscious reaction to jerk his hand away. That would, no doubt, alarm Shindo or just plainly give him the false impression about his purposes to restore their friendship.

"Did you have dinner?" Shindo asked suddenly.

"No." Akira didn't want to go now to the hotel restaurant. He just wanted to have the privacy of their room and the board between them. But his stomach chose that moment to object loudly at his intentions. He felt embarrassment creeping up his face; normally he was more in control of his bodily needs.

Shindo looked up at him, ignoring his efforts to pretend that his stomach didn't just rumble audibly. "Then how about we grab some pizza on the way back? I'm about to starve too."

Akira looked back with resentment. He didn't really like fast food, and when he ate, he liked to preserve his manners. But the pressure to play was now stronger. "You can have pizza, I will have some sandwiches," he said after a few minutes thinking. Shindo nodded, and they started towards the self-service part of the hotel restaurant that had all the aforementioned food. Akira ended up with mixed salad along his sandwiches and Shindo was clasping a carton box that contained his two slices of pizza Hawaii. The room had a little fridge with various beverages so they didn't have to be concerned about drinks.

During the ride in the elevator Akira examined his sandwiches and it occurred to him that Shindo hadn't even asked why he had come to his table or what was it that he wanted to do. He had just assumed naturally, that he would want to go up to their room and sit down, with him on the opposite side of the board.

After they had closed the door Shindo grabbed a few things and went to the bathroom. Two minutes later he appeared wearing baggy green sweatpants and a yellow tee. He threw his suit, shirt and tie on his bed in a rumpled pile. Akira had already stripped out of his jacket, pulled down his tie and loosened the top button of his shirt to get comfortable. He noticed that the button just above that was dangling loosely on a thread of cotton and it was only a matter of time that it let go, so he plucked it down and pocketed the little plastic disc carefully. He felt a wave of self-conscious heat flood his skin when he looked down and realized that his shirt was now open to the line of his nipples, revealing a large surface of naked skin beneath. He was just glad none of his scarce chest hair did show. He surely didn't want Shindo to look at this accidental display and get the wrong impression; or just get excited by it…

He suppressed an irritated groan when he realized that his mind had over-elaborated things again, as Shindo hadn't even looked at him once. He was too busy with his food that he tried to devour the fastest possible, clearly in a hurry to begin the game. And apart from that, just because he was a male, it didn't mean that Shindo would automatically get aroused seeing a bit more skin, or take it for an invitation. Most likely he wasn't even interested in him, just like Akira wasn't automatically interested in every female he had the chance to meet. Akira forced himself to relax and eat his dinner.

He was only half through when Shindo stood up abruptly, obviously finished, and strolled into the bath to wash his hands. Then he came out and opened the fridge.

"Do you want something?" he asked peering into it. Akira swallowed; the sandwich was dry, even with the mayonnaise.

"Is there tea?" he asked.

"No, but I have seen a box of teabags somewhere," he answered slowly. Surprisingly, the room had its own coffee maker - American style - that could also brew tea. More surprising was that Shindo immediately started to prepare some, filling the water container of the coffee maker and putting two teabags into the upper part. Then he searched the cupboard for two mugs, spoons and some sugar, and put them on a metallic tray. He moved around remarkably like someone with years of practice. That somehow disturbed Akira. It didn't fit into the old image of him.

That was the operative word: old. They had been rivals for years but no real friends. They had played Go together regularly - until Shindo had begun to avoid him a few months ago - but had done nothing else together. They weren't really speaking to each other, only about Go. Akira had realized by now that was hardly something he could call friendship. He still had the mental image of a teenager freshly out of junior high in his mind when there was an adult standing or sitting before him. Was it the same for Shindo? Did he look at him and see someone he had been when they were younger? Or had he realized the changes he has undergone? He couldn't tell, since to do so he would have had to known him better. But why had they drifted apart?

It had all begun on the afternoon when Shindo had sent him away because he had forgotten that he had invited Akira to play in his new apartment. Afterwards he had acted self-conscious for a while, and Akira had felt like he had intruded on his private life. He had felt unwanted so he had begun to withdraw slowly from the territory, limiting their interactions solely on Go. It had seemed to work, because Shindo had started to warm up to him again. So he had drawn an imaginary borderline and had been careful not to tread over it in the future. He had succeeded and it felt so natural by now that he had forgotten completely from its existence.

But now that he remembered at once, it occurred to him that maybe the cause of Shindo's recent behavior was not - as Akari thought - Akira's past relationship with herETG1, but Shindo's own performance at the club that night. That made more sense than the assumed jealousy. They had been both there, and had witnessed him making a fool of himself. He must have been ashamed and maybe got scared that they had seen enough to guess about his sexuality, that he obviously wanted to keep secret. He would have to speak with Waya to confirm that though. But if it was true, maybe Shindo was suspecting that he was already aware of him being gay. And if he was, should he confirm that suspicion or act like he didn't know anything?

Act? Now there was a fat chance to that! He remembered that night he had discovered it in the gay bar. What had been his reaction? He had run away so panicked that he hadn't even noticed the rain and how he got home! Then he couldn't look into his eyes for weeks. He was aware of the fact that that night in the bar he had been able to contain himself only because he was more disgusted with Shindo's drunken behavior. But after that fiasco even Akari had been able to catch on, and Shindo would have been too, had he been sober. Now he was, and there was little doubt that he would guess what it meant, him getting always anxious and jumpy whenever they got bodily close. So Akira decided to act naturally and not to attempt to lie about what he knew anymore…

"Touya!" he was jolted out of his thoughts by Shindo's confused voice calling his name and he yanked up his head - only to meat the puzzled gleam in a set of green eyes staring at him questioningly, as Shindo bent down to look into his face from entirely too close. He felt a light weight of a hand on his shoulder at the same time.

He panicked. His stomach clenched into a tight knot and his eyes grew large. His instant reaction was to jerk backwards. As he did, he lost his balance inevitably, and fell back on his bed, his arms following the movement of his upper body and knocking out the mug full of tea from the offering hand. The hot liquid splashed out of its container and spilled all over their fingers. Some of the tea landed directly on Akira's lap, the rest got onto the carpet and the bedspreads. The mug smashed into pieces on the floor.

Akira was stunned for a few seconds - not as much from the hot tea scalding his fingers before and now his thighs as it began to seep through the pants, rather the shock of suddenly finding Shindo so close to him. He heard Shindo's voice uttering a rather colorful curse and felt a hand clasping around his wrist, pulling his body up towards the bathroom. He was dragged there and followed meekly, the outside world not really registering in his brain just yet. It was busy replaying scruffy, old memories like a black-and-white movie before his mind's eye.

When the celluloid had run out, Akira found himself in the bathroom, and got another scare when he realized that Shindo was just in the process of ripping open his trousers, no doubt to wrench them down off of him. He let out a startled cry and managed to pull Shindo's hands to a halt before he could open the zipper of his fly.

The blonde, who was kneeling in front of him, looked up equally startled. Then he realized that Akira was staring down at him, apparently awakened from his trance-like state, and that he was lowered in a very dubious position before the other pro. Shindo's face reddened abruptly and he let go of the material, jumping up and taking a step back hesitantly, obviously not convinced yet that Akira was fully back.

"You… you have to let cold water over it," he told him blinking and trying not to look at him. Akira didn't realize at first why Shindo thought that necessary. He looked down at the offended garment and the wet patches on it.

"It's nothing, just my trousers. It didn't get through to my skin," he mumbled. Now the fabric was completely wet, lukewarm and sticky with sugar. He definitely needed to change out of them, and possibly a shower. He told that Shindo and observed his retreating form as he staggered out of the bathroom, pulling the door closed after him.

Akira wasted no time; he divested himself rather abruptly from the slack trousers and filled the basin, so he could get out the tea stains from it. As he put his hands into the warm water, he felt the pull of burned skin, and realized that he must have gotten some of the hot tea on his fingers. Luckily the tea wasn't at boiling temperature anymore, it had cooled down during the time Shindo had prepared it and later while he had held it in his hand, calling his name and waiting for him to register his presence. It hurt a great deal, but it didn't require medical attention.

Akira let the cloth soak while he showered. Every time water from the showerhead sprayed onto the burn, the sharp jets of water created a piercing sensation that only served to increase the pain. So he reduced the temperature a bit, until he couldn't feel his toes anymore, but the prickling, naturally, wasn't soothed by the chilly water.

Shindo must have also scalded his hands, he thought absentmindedly. But he didn't let his thoughts linger over Shindo much. His mind was still blissfully numb from the shock caused by the remembrance, so he didn't brood about what had happened and why it had, or about the consequences - and later he would be glad for it. He would have never had the nerve to go out and try to explain his reaction to Shindo if he did.

When he finally emerged from the bathroom, he found Shindo sitting on his bed, his hands wrapped into a pair of wet socks. He felt the corner of his lips twitch at the sight but looking at the stricken expression on his face he thought his mirth inappropriate and was able to prevent it.

"How is your hand?" he asked instead and realized with a sickening pull in his stomach that his voice was trembling. Shindo didn't answer, just shrugged and looked away. Akira felt self-conscious all of a sudden and pulled the bathrobe tighter over his damp body.

"Sorry…" he rasped out feebly. Shindo looked up at his face again. His eyes were misted and gloomy.

"I was wondering before… but now I am fairly sure that you know…" his voice sounded distant. Akira nodded once. The blonde looked at him contemplating, but Akira had a distinct impression that he didn't see him.

"How…?" Shindo asked, leaving his sentence unfinished again.

"I have seen you once… with someone…" Akira told him still not moving from the place where he stood.

"Oh." Shindo breathed, then there was a few seconds' silence. "…That explains it." He didn't ask where and when. It wasn't really important in that moment. His voice was calm and casual when he next spoke. "Are you afraid of me? Or are you just disgusted?"

"I'm not…" Akira broke out in denial before he thought about it. Then he realized that he couldn't have told a lie more obviously blatant like that and stopped in mid sentence.

"Then why are you standing there like you are ready to bolt any second? Why don't you come and sit down?"

Akira's stomach turned again before his common sense could figure out that Shindo meant Akira's own bed and not that he should sit next to him. "I…" he stammered, but then he forced his legs to move and he gingerly lowered himself onto the bunk opposite to Shindo.

"So, which one?" asked the blonde with misleading cheerfulness.

"Sorry?" Akira lifted his head to look at him utterly confused. His brain was working overtime and supplying him with too many stimuli at once.

"Afraid or disgusted?"

Akira looked at the other pro for a second silently and then shook his head to clear out the confusing thoughts. "Look, I don't want to lie, I am not comfortable with it. But I don't have anything against you personally. It's just… You scared me; I thought you were going to ki… You… you were too close. I don't have the best experiences, and every time… Just, there was someone…"

He was aware of the fact that his speech had made little to no sense at all. He grimaced and stopped, biting down on his lower lip firmly to pull himself together. He didn't really want to elaborate about how the man he had looked up to through his entire childhood had tried to hit on him and wouldn't cease to try and corner him even after he had refused him the first time. Or so he had thought, but it had turned out that he hadn't been expressing himself clearly enough and the pestering had continued until one time he had pulled himself together and told him face to face - since he obviously couldn't take hints - that he wasn't interested. Those little advances hadn't been really threatening; that much he realized now that he was an adult. But they had been enough to scare him for a lifetime, and let him associate homosexuality with unwanted attention from someone he had thought he could trust before. Therefore he was always wary, and expected being harassed when he had to deal with someone he knew or suspected to be homosexual, like… - he looked at his rival guiltily

Shindo observed the changes of his expression closely, frowning at first; then slowly understanding crawled into his eyes.

"You mean Ogata Seiji?"

Akira's eyes squinted at the name and a little gasping sound left his lips before he could stop it. Then he bore his gaze directly into Shindo's and asked, "How would you...?"

"...Know about that?" Shindo finished the sentence for him. "Well, he had used to compare me to you." His voice took on a strange mix of sobriety, nostalgia and bitterness but the recollection wasn't a fresh wound, Akira could tell that. "He had always told me how better looking and 'more fitting for him' you were, 'a pity that you didn't appreciate his dedication'. So he had to content himself with me instead." There was a pregnant silence after that revelation.

"Did you have a…" Akira didn't know how to express his surprise, but Shindo finished the sentence instead of him.

"Relationship with him? More or less…" he grimaced and nodded once.

"When? How?" Akira gaped aggravated at him. He didn't dare ask: Why?

Shindo only smiled sardonically and looked at him assessing his reaction. Akira couldn't guess why he had started to talk so openly about a topic that obviously neither of them cherished discussing. "Well, the first time he tried to hit on me was after your father had collapsed and I visited him in the hospital. But the first time he succeeded was after the first Hokuto Cup when I was so down." He shrugged again but continued against his better judgment. "I guess, he kinda tricked me into it, but it didn't matter to me then. I only wanted to have someone to comfort me and when I couldn't have the one I really wanted to be with..." he suddenly stopped and shook his head like he was just waking up from a strange, far too realistic daydream. "I don't want to speak about that."

They both fell silent for a long time, became lost in their respective thoughts. Then it was Akira who first broke the silence.

"Shindo?"

"Yes?" the blonde didn't look up. Akira could tell that he felt just as uncomfortable as he did. They had both bared a part of their souls that wasn't intended to be seen by anyone else. True, there were some things that needed to be said, but it was too much information, gave too deep insight into the other's private little world. A little piece in the protective barrier surrounding that world had vanished at once, and they have been peering right through the gap, into a vault that was considered too personal for other people to try to comprehend without feeling the urge to recoil in panic. They needed to move on from that place to somewhere, where it was nice and familiar and secure. Where they wouldn't stumble across troublesome revelations. They needed to build up the walls again.

"Why don't we just play a game?"

TBC

_A/N: Sorry for the long wait, guys! The constant pestering paid off and now I have two betas, who are currently working on revising the earlier chapters and my other fic (Concerning Him). I am also glad to announce, that the last chapter of 'Concerning Him' is written and currently under proof-reading. (There will be an epilogue later too.) I want to thank to everyone who reviewed or just read it. Now we are nearing the yaoi part, but it will still be a slow development, so I apologize beforehand. One more thing: I was sorely tempted to make Akari pregnant after the review I got from Feely. . But it just doesn't fit into the plot. But that doesn't mean, I ignore plot requests generally, maybe I will write something like that in another fic. If someone feels like giving me ideas, don't let this hold you back! Also if you see a typo or some other type of mistake, please, don't hesitate to tell me. I am trying to work faster._


	8. seven

Echoing Truth

By Stray

2005. March 28.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hikaru no Go, or it's characters and make no money of it. (Oh well… Still, damn!) Anyhow… It's just for fun.

Warnings: depression, mature themes, slow progress of plot, still bad English, yaoi hints (for now) Language.

Beta-readers: **_Anne_** and **_Quirk othe Trade_**.

- Seven -

Back to the real world after that surreal night Akira didn't feel anything unusual - for about ten more minutes. Then Shindo woke up and looked at him with an indistinguishable expression for what seemed the longest second in his life. After that both of them turned to stare at the ceiling above their beds and tried to pretend that nothing was amiss.

They packed their belongings into their trunks, boarded the train, got off after arriving back at home and parted from each other without so much as a few words of courtesy. Akira wondered if people caught on to the difference or filed it away as one of their falling-outs after some fight over the board - not that that had happened very frequently recently.

He woke up the next morning and realized that he was going to meet Shindo in the Go Institute. He didn't know how he was supposed to feel about that. But the first meeting and the ones following it happened without memorable incident. Back in their familiar surroundings, he found that somehow they had both shifted back into their familiar behavior. That meant him pursuing Shindo, who in exchange was trying to avoid him again. Or at least Akira thought he was. The one time he accidentally bumped into him, Shindo seemed to be eager to drag him into a nearby restaurant for lunch and chattered the whole time. When they were back to their respective boards with their respective opponents, however, he realized that he hadn't had a chance to ask him about meeting in a Go salon to play together, like old times.

Heavens! He felt like a hundred years old! Was it really that long ago that they could play each other outside of professional games - the weekend not counting? He even felt nostalgic, remembering their good times with a bittersweet pang. Adorned by time, now even the frequent ruckus they had called arguing seemed like something that had added spice to their relationship - even if they had never become real friends.

Why was it suddenly so important to actually befriend Shindo, he asked himself sometimes. Somehow it felt like chasing after him all those years ago. First it had begun with a tiny spark of curiosity. Then, because he hadn't had the chance to satisfy it, it had grown larger until it had evolved into a roaming wildfire, that had died down suddenly after the wind had turned, so to speak, at that most disappointing school tournament. After that, it had been Shindo's turn to chase after him.

The most apparent similarity between his obsession of then and now with Shindo was that it consisted of two opposing feelings. He had been drawn to the unknown and at the same time been scared of it. Yet, the want to know then and the want to relearn now was stronger than his fear of an opponent so strong or - in this case - the fear of Shindo's 'other side', where he wasn't Akira's opponent, but a normal guy with a private life that was just that: private.

He wondered if being friends with him also included being able to accept him in every aspect, or if he could get away with pretending that 'it' didn't exist. Shit! He couldn't even say the word in his thoughts. He forced himself to repeat it like a mantra: "Shindo is homosexual. Homosexual. Ho-mo-sexual! So what?"

"Excuse me!" Akira heard a deep, resounding voice call him and turned to look at the stranger who had yanked him out of his thoughts.

"Yes?" He put up his usual serious expression. It was rare for him to meet someone in the building of the Go Institute whom he didn't know at least by sight. The world of Go was a small habitat. The only foreigners were the odd reporters or representatives of companies who hosted some Go-related event. This man wore casual clothing, jeans, sweater and a leather jacket, so he couldn't have been a company worker or a reporter, because those usually wore something more formal. Akira knew every professional player who hadn't got stuck at three-dan or lower and most of the promising Insei. This man was neither of those.

Akira furrowed his brows. The other radiated a disturbing aura that he couldn't explain to himself. Still, Akira was polite enough not to show his aversion and waited for the question the man was about to ask.

"Do you know where I can find Shindo Hikaru?" the man wanted to know.

Akira preserved the neutral expression of his face. Shindo was most likely still at his game. Akira had seen who his opponent was, and knew the man for his habit of stalling, unwilling to resign, even if it was clear that he didn't have a chance to win anymore. He didn't know how the man played against an opponent weaker than himself.

"I'm sorry, I don't know," he heard himself answer. The man nodded and strolled away. While he looked after him, wondering why he'd felt the need to lie about Shindo, Akira could ascertain that the stranger had an athlete's build with considerable muscles and a height that exceeded his own at least by one head. He was unusually well groomed despite the casual clothes. Strange, he hadn't noticed the difference in their heights while speaking with him.

He contemplated if he should go to the game room and catch Shindo to warn him about the stranger, and to try and persuade him to a friendly game for old times' sake. But by the time he arrived at the game room, Shindo had already finished his game and was gone.

Akira sighed and decided to buy a sandwich before he drove to his afternoon class. He was walking toward the cafeteria on the first floor when he heard faint sounds coming from behind a half-closed door. He didn't have to think twice about whose voice it was, because he recognized Shindo after the first sentence.

"No, Seiji! It is over. I thought you'd understood when I told you that I don't want to see you again. You can't just show up here, either!"

Akira stopped abruptly and found himself shifting closer to the opening behind which he could make out Shindo's familiar head with the blonde streaks on the top. He could also discern the figure of the stranger who had asked him earlier about Shindo's whereabouts. Now he has found him, Akira thought.

"Yes, but that was two months ago. If you would just give me a second chance, we could make it work! You were among the best I ever had, and I know I'm not bad myself. So why not give it another try?"

That was more information than he needed to know, Akira thought. He almost turned on his heels to get away as quick as possible, but in that instant he recognized the stranger as the one he had seen dancing with Shindo in that gay bar a few months ago. Something, a morbid fascination didn't allow him to just go away. Instead he flattened himself to the wall and watched on with a sickening feeling in his stomach.

He saw the man lift a hand to rest it on the Go player's shoulder in a manner that he obviously thought calming, but Shindo scrunched up his face and shrugged the hand off, taking a step backwards.

"It isn't only about sex! It wasn't then, and you could never understand that! It is about trust too, and you have proved that you cannot be trusted. I won't take you back."

"So, I cannot be trusted? How about you look at yourself first and then make accusations! How can you demand I devote myself to you entirely, when you can't do the same?"

Shindo shook his head. "Just… what are you talking about, Seiji?"

"How do you think I felt when I heard you muttering someone else's name in your sleep? I know you never loved me. So how can you demand for me to love you, knowing that all the time there was some mysterious guy you were pining after?"

"I've never said I was perfect. And I never asked you to love me, just that you don't fucking sleep with other guys behind my back!" That last sentence was an angry hiss. It looked like Shindo was about to storm out of the room, and Akira really didn't want to get caught eavesdropping, so he stepped away from the door and hurried away as quietly as possible. He didn't even look back to see if he'd got away.

Two days later he was out with Akari on a friendly-type movie and dinner date, and he couldn't help but mention to her what he had witnessed in the institute after both of them were past their second glass of wine.

"Why are we speaking about Hikaru again?" she asked half playfully-half annoyed.

"Why? We always end up speaking about Shindo at some point," Akira told her, trying to take away the edge of it. It was true after all. One of them always brought up the blond, and most of the time it was Akari, wanting to hear about his games. Maybe they had more than this one thing in common, but Shindo was their most frequent topic.

"So, do you know this guy?" he asked when she didn't give him an answer.

"Seiji, you say? Not by name, but I think I might have seen someone matching that description a few times last year in October. Hikaru doesn't really talk to me about his relationships, you understand. And even if he did, I don't see why this would possibly concern you."

Akira shrugged and tried to be nonchalant about it.

"You know how it was after he became a pro. For a few years we used to play together at least twice every week, and then we just stopped. I only recently realized that I miss our time together. I have never really known him, even when I thought he was my friend. And now, he's changed so much. He used to be so open."

Akari sighed. "I know what you mean. He's become very private. He has withdrawn himself even from me, and I didn't know what I had done, for him to stop speaking to me. I had thought it was because I couldn't understand Go, or something. It was really just luck that I have stumbled upon his little secret, and he didn't have a choice but to start speaking to me again…"

"You think he is afraid that people won't like him anymore if they know about him?" Akira asked.

"I think he is ashamed." She said it very softly.

Akira didn't know what he should answer to that. He considered saying that Shindo shouldn't be, but he couldn't say it. It would have been a terrible lie, since even he would have been ashamed of Shindo's secret, if it came out into the open. He sometimes wondered - should that happen, would he cease to want his friendship, so as to not to be associated with homosexuality or would he prove to be strong enough to persist? He couldn't decide between feeling guilty and choosing the socially safe route. It seemed that - at least for now - the guilt had won.

"Maybe if I told him that I don't have a problem with it…" Akira thought aloud, looking at his half-empty wineglass.

She looked up at him with sarcasm in her eyes. "You really don't?" She could see right through him.

Of course, that was expected after Akira had told her about the events at the Go seminar. Though he hadn't really explained the cause of his aversion and hadn't gone into much detail about their last night.

Akira groaned in frustration. "I… He could at least give me a chance to get used to it. I think our friendship would be worth it."

"You just said you aren't friends."

"But I want to be friends with him, and I am willing to work for it."

"And what if he doesn't want to be friends with you?"

Akira blinked at her with a shock of realization. He hadn't even considered this possibility.

"I can't be sure, can I? Unless I ask him directly."

She nodded thoughtfully.

"So what about this other guy Shindo was accused to be 'pining after'?" he asked suddenly. "Do you know something about that?"

Akari shrugged and tried to remain nonchalant. "That is not my place to tell you."

Akira lifted a brow. They were now on the second bottle and he was glad that they had come via taxi instead of his car.

"So do you know who it is? Is it something like a long time unrequited love?"

Her eyes narrowed abruptly. "I don't know anything about Hikaru's love life, as I already told you! But even if I did, I wouldn't betray his trust by telling every stranger who comes to me about it!"

Akira winced. The stranger part was a bit hard, but he supposed he deserved it. After the words were out of his mouth, he realized that he had no right to ask something so personal.

"Sorry. Perhaps I should stop drinking now."

She just looked at him, and the hurt in her eyes didn't cease one bit. He sighed.

"Look, I told you, I'm sorry. I understand why you don't want to speak about it…"

She interrupted his apologies with a short chuckle, but her voice didn't contain any amusement. It sounded just cynical and dry.

"Oh, you do?"

Akira nodded hesitantly. He couldn't really understand why women tended to throw such hysterics and he was even worse in handling them, but he felt it coming right now.

"No. You don't understand a thing!" she spat at him. Akira felt a strange mix of longing and bitterness in those words. Then she got up suddenly, and stormed away in the direction of the toilets.

TBC


	9. eight

Echoing Truth

by Stray

July 3, 2005

Disclaimer: I do not own Hikaru no Go or its characters and make no money of it. (Oh well… Still, damn!) Anyhow… It's just for fun.

Warnings: depression, mature themes, slow progress of plot, still bad English, yaoi hints (for now), NOT BETA-ED!

**-eight-**

It should have been easy. Everything had worked out just the right way – he should have known that it had been too smooth to be true.

The following week Akari had canceled their appointment, telling him that she had a date. Akira had congratulated her. He could hear in her voice that she was still mad at him for his behavior last time. He had refrained from mentioning anything, though.

As circumstances wanted, this had been the cause he had met Shindo in a Go salon he had randomly visited that night. After playing with him two games, Akira had suggested for them to have a drink together. At first Shindo had seemed reluctant, but Akira hadn't relented and finally he had got his way.

They had gone into a half-empty bar nearby and found a quiet table where they had sat down in the company of a bottle beer for each.

The conversation had started slowly and had proceeded awkwardly until after the first few bottles. Several hours later, having dug up some old, mutual memories, they had been comfortably sprawled on the padded benches, having an easy argument about their second game before in the club.

Akira had decided the atmosphere was relaxed enough; it was time to tell Shindo that he didn't mind… he couldn't quite say the word but Shindo had seemed to understand nonetheless. The other pro had been a bit taken aback. The place and the time hadn't been the right one for such a conversion. That had been one of the reasons Akira had chosen them: he hadn't wanted to have a conversation about the topic. He hadn't been lying per se; he just hadn't felt as confident as he would have liked to. He hadn't wanted Shindo to think he had been deceiving him.

Akari had made him realize that he should have told it to Shindo right after that night of confessions in the hotel, even if it would have been a lie. No wonder Shindo hadn't wanted to see him; he had thought that his presence made Akira uneasy. Akira had thought about it for days on end, and had decided that he could accept him, or at least meet him halfway and be ready to work for his part of this friendship.

Of course, he hadn't told this Shindo in so many words. He had felt awkward formulating the sentences, so he had tried to get over it quick. Shindo had seemed to understand that too. At least Akira had hoped he had. He hadn't asked any questions or said anything, just nodded.

Then to lighten the mood and plunge into the middle before Akira had lost his momentum, he had asked Shindo if he had wanted to make up plans for them to meet regularly in the Go salon ('if Ichikawa-san still has our old place'). He had seen Shindo's hesitance at first, but the blond player had loosened up relatively quickly afterwards and agreed to a date. Akira hadn't asked for anything more yet; he had thought the other aspects of a friendship, like hanging out like they were doing just then, or meeting outside of Go, could wait until after Shindo felt comfortable around him, and he around Shindo.

The night had ended pleasantly and without a disaster - not their usual after-game behavior.

Four days later, Akira was sitting at his old table at the back of his (father's) Go salon, opposite to the blonde man, like so many years before. And he wished nothing more than being able to put out of his mind that really stupid dream he had woken from that morning, and concentrate to their game. But every time Shindo looked at him or just got too close to him, the images of the dream flickered alive before his eyes and he found hard to distinguish between the dream and reality.

He hadn't dreamed about Ogata-san for a long time, perhaps years. The dreams had started when he was thirteen and had accompanied him through puberty to the beginning of his twenties, repeating themselves in irregular intervals. The first dream had been the scariest thing of his youth after his father's breakdown and the anxiety of finally having the opportunity to meet Shindo in a game before the high school tournament.

It had begun with a harmless fantasy - Akira had been fairly sure every boy of his age had imagined such activities at a time of their puberty - the one about how it would be to touch and be touched by another boy.

At first he had found it disturbing that those images would come to him so naturally, but he had figured that they had derived from knowing his own body and having no experience with girls beyond some kissing whatsoever. So he had found himself submitting to those fantasies more and more often, without further complications in his everyday life.

The first complication had aroused from outside. Ogata-san had used to take out Akira into a movie every couple of weeks since he had been eight. One night they had met old friends of his and ended up in a bar, drinking. Akira had been allowed to a less strict curfew just a few days before that night, and he had wanted to use the opportunity. So, instead of taking a taxi home, he had stayed and listened to the stories Ogata-san's friends were telling about the life of the grown-ups that he had found so fascinating at that time. The adults were drinking and the stories got wilder with every new glass that had been emptied.

Akira hadn't known how he had ended up in a situation he would have rather not been in, in such a short time. The topic had changed to girlfriends and lovers – steady ones and one night stands and paid services. Then one of the men had asked Ogata-san if Akira was either of those. Akira had felt his breath caught in his chest. Ogata-san had been staring at him for a couple of seconds before answering, but his answer hadn't calmed Akira one bit. Ogata-san had been still looking into his eyes while he had told their companions that he wouldn't mind _teaching_ _Akira a thing or two_ if he would let him.

Akira had felt like he had been just overrun by a truck, but the men had just laughed and Ogata-san told him it was time for him to go home.

On that night the adolescent fantasy turned into a nightmare. He had dreamed about those things, he had imagined Ogata-san wanted to 'teach' him, coming true in a disturbing way. Akira had felt sick after it, even so that he had woken up before his dream had gone too far. At first he had thought his teenager mentality had misinterpreted Ogata-san's words for the worse, and he had even felt guilty because of it.

When he had met Ogata-san the next time, he had apologized for his behavior. But, as Akira had found out later, he had only meant the being drunk part, not the offer. It had become obvious soon enough, as Ogata-san had warmed to the idea and grown to be more and more direct with his hints. Akira couldn't explain them anymore with his own dirty imagination, and that was the reason his nightmares really started.

The dream sequences had been similar. Some place where he had found himself alone, then Ogata-san appearing on the scene and coming on to him, first speaking to him, trying to convince him. After he had refused his advances, the dream-Ogata started to become forceful and oppressive. He started to touch him, and kiss him. Akira could even smell his cigarette-reeking breath, and the kisses he had given him had been enforced, sloppy and bad-tasting. He hadn't dreamed of Ogata-san raping him, only touching his naked body until he had come in the dream - and frequently, in reality too. It had felt so wrong that he had used to throw up after waking up from such a dream.

The dreams hadn't stopped after he had succeeded to make Ogata-san understand that he hadn't fancied him and his advances had been unwanted – that is, only after he had outgrown the man and felt sure that he could protect himself, should he try anything with him.

And now the dream was back, only thousand times worse. It had begun the familiar way, Ogata-san cornering him in a public toilet in the Go institute after dark. But in the middle of it, Ogata-san's face abruptly changed into the familiar features of Shindo. It had been Shindo who kissed, undressed and touched him. He had been sure, even if his dream-self closed his eyes in embarrassment and later in the heat of passion, because he couldn't taste smoke in the hot breath caressing his face. It had been worse, because it hadn't felt disgusting at all. His dream-Shindo was neither demanding; he had taken what Akira had given him.

Akira had been sick nevertheless after waking up, but because of an entirely different reason. That was something he didn't want to admit, even to himself.

By the time he had arrived in the Go salon he had realized that it had been a bad idea to force the sickness back and don't give his body the opportunity to relive itself. Thus, the nausea hadn't gone away the whole day. He hadn't been able to eat anything either because his stomach turned at the thought of food. This didn't help a bit to calm down his nerves before meeting Shindo in the afternoon.

He thought he had been successful in concealing his queasiness, so it had been a nasty surprise when Shindo asked out of the blue if everything was okay with him. Akira felt threatened, so his first reaction was attacking.

"Of course I am okay! Besides, you are loosing the game. Shouldn't you be concentrating on the board instead of me," he barked at Shindo.

After that, Shindo didn't ask any more questions, but Akira saw that he wasn't oblivious to the change in his behavior, and Akira was fairly sure, he could also guess the reason. Shindo didn't let it on, though Akira noticed that he was a bit subdued because of it.

Akira couldn't really concentrate on his hands and continued to make stupid mistakes. Shindo didn't say anything, only looked at him with some odd expression a few times. The flow of the game was uneven, and they were both disturbed and disappointed with it.

Both of them were highly frustrated when the game finally ended, no wonder they fell back into their old habit of arguing. The argument was nearly as vicious and loud as the ones they used to have when they first started to play together after their first official game. Ichikawa-san was looking at them with disbelief written on her face. And she was right; they were no children anymore, for Goddess' sake!

Akira sighed and shut his mouth, deciding that he was finished with the childish fighting for today. Unfortunately, it was Shindo's turn to yell, and, worked up by their previous shouting arguments, he didn't notice instantly that Akira's temper had already died down. He was still in the middle of a temper tantrum that, Akira thought with remorse, was completely his fault. But in the heat of it Shindo stepped a little closer to him, and Akira became at once painfully aware of his sudden proximity.

He felt his face slowly drain, as he concentrated on holding back his now intensified urge to increase the distance between their bodies. He didn't want to look like an utter jerk before Shindo, as if his performance that afternoon wasn't already enough to make him one. But when the blond Go player's fist came so close to him that it nearly touched his nose, Akira's instincts were faster than his mind's control over his body. In the next instant he found himself in three a steps distance, with the expression of dread frozen onto his face for a few seconds, while he failed to don his well-practiced icy facade - and opposite of a very frustrated and hurt-looking Shindo. He couldn't really blame him after that for turning his back to him, and stomping out of the salon without a word.

Akira went home. He then spent the next few days in growing agitation over his behavior and what it must have done to their resumed companionship. He felt so ashamed. He wanted nothing more than to apologize. He decided to just walk up to Shindo and do it without launching into a lengthy explanation, which, he knew, Shindo wouldn't understand anyhow. So he wouldn't have the time to loose his nerves and back out of the situation before he could make amends with him. It didn't matter if the other man didn't forgive him instantly. Akira knew he wouldn't have the nerves to stay and try to explain the situation to the blonde. Shindo would understand, even if it took some time. He had to, after what Akira had told him on the last night of the Go seminar.

After his decision had been made, he just had to find an opportunity to get Shindo alone and willing to listen to him. That had proved a bit harder than he had originally thought. Akira had tried it for a week, every day. He stood at the exit of the Go Institute waiting for him. Unfortunately it turned out that every time Shindo had either had company or had finished his game and was gone already. Finally, the opportunity presented itself in a whole unexpected way, time and place.

It happened on a rainy Saturday afternoon, after he had just finished his regular tutoring session and was underway home. At the corner to the underground parking place he bumped into Shindo, both of them in a hurry to get into some dry place. Both of them were surprised, Akira couldn't tell if the surprise was pleasant for Shindo or the opposite. But because of it Shindo had ended up inviting Akira into his apartment, and Akira – actually accepting the invitation.

Later he wondered if it had been a chance in his life for everything to happen when it was raining.

TBC

A/N: I hate this chapter. I really tired to put some dialogue into it, but I always ended up deleting them, because they didn't have to say anything important. Anyhow, this had to be written before I start with the fun part.


	10. nine

**Echoing Truth**

by Stray

August 11, 2005

Disclaimer: I do not own Hikaru no Go, or its characters and make no money of it. (Oh well… Still, damn!) Anyhow… It's just for fun.

Warnings: depression, mature themes, slow progress of plot, stray English (according to Quirk ; ), yaoi hints (for now)

Many thanks to Anne and Quirk othe Trade for betaing!

**-nine-**

The door of the apartment closed with a dull thud behind Shindo. Akira stood rigidly in the middle of a pathetic little room, surrounded by various furniture pieces and every-day junk – all in one place, as the apartment didn't have any more rooms. Shindo stood behind him, and the knowledge of his presence behind his back made him shiver - or was it the wetness which slowly seeped into his clothes from the rain outside? The window was closed and the air smelled days old, a bit musty; Akira realized that Shindo wasn't spending much time at home.

"Sorry, I'm just going to tidy up a bit," Shindo lifted his hand behind his head, embarrassedly; Akira thought that he had grown out of this childish gesture by now. "Just a minute; in the meantime you can sit on the chair."

Shindo proceeded to pick up empty bags of crackers and cans of soda while Akira perched down onto the single chair standing next to the table, observing the other man. Now, that he was here and had finally met Shindo, he didn't know what he should say to him. This meeting wasn't happening according to the choreography Akira had created in his mind. Now he would have to offer some explanation. He thought to apologize in the Go Institute, or at some other public place, where Shindo could have run out on him instead of staying and demanding a reason and listening to whatever Akira managed to dig up as an explanation for it.

Shindo was now picking up the laundry that was littered around on the carpet. It turned out that there was another door which led to the bathroom hidden by a curtain, which Akira didn't notice until Shindo swung the drapery away to reveal the opening behind it. Now he would possibly be forced to explain about Ogata-san or his dreams, Akira thought while he was waiting for Shindo to re-emerge from behind the curtain. It was a mistake to think about it now, while he was alone with Shindo at his place, Akira realized. Immediately his mind was filled with pictures about the Jū-dan, which refused to go away while he did have nothing to do except thinking and waiting for his host. Akira felt dread slowly creeping down his back, and for a minute he imagined a laughing Ogata-san popping out from behind the curtain, starting to talk to him as if it wasn't years past that time. Funny, how he had been able to overcome his aversions against Ogata-san – even if the two of them weren't so close anymore these days – but they would reemerge when facing Shindo.

No, Shindo was nothing like Ogata-san. His mind told him so, and Akira wanted to believe it. But on the other side, it was also his mind that gave him those dreams. The dreams confused Ogata-san with Shindo, so who was to say that there couldn't be confusion in real life too? For all he saw about Shindo's 'other life' he could be the same. Akira shook his head reproachfully. He knew Shindo - or at least, he had known him - quite well. Shindo wasn't that sort who would pester people with indecent propositions just because he liked them. If he was, Akira wouldn't be here now, waiting for him to be able to apologize at last. Where was he anyhow?

Akira heard a rumble coming from the bathroom, and thought that this wasn't the best time for Shindo to start the cleaning. The other man was probably just as nervous, suddenly finding himself in his apartment alone with him, as Akira was. He was tempted for a moment to go into the bathroom to check on Shindo, but at the thought of the white tiled wall the dream flashed back into his consciousness once more – the dream from one week ago, with Shindo pressing him against the nameless place's toilet wall – instead of Ogata-san. So Akira stayed on his chair and tried to wipe his suddenly sweaty palms on his rain water-damp trousers, while at the same desperately trying time to wipe out of his head the recurring image of Shindo kissing him.

Shindo wouldn't do that, or would he? Akira's mind suddenly leaped to the night in the bar when he had had to drive a sloshed Shindo home along Akari. That night Shindo had attacked Waya. But he was drunk; he hadn't known what he was doing, Akira's mind rationalized, even as his breath quickened and he felt rivulets of cold sweat trickling down his back under his shirt.

Akira tried to calm down himself again, and in that moment he heard the door open and Shindo came back through the curtain. Strangely, his presence affected Akira in a reassuring way instead of further fuelling his anxiousness. Somehow having him there in the flesh had chased Akira's ghosts away.

Shindo was smiling; he was oblivious to the little drama that had occurred in Akira's head just moments ago.

"So?"

"So?" Akira repeated Shindo's question a bit confused.

"Well, I got the impression that you wanted to talk," Shindo was still smiling. But that smile, while awfully familiar, seemed somehow off now. Akira could feel the other man's anxiety behind it. He slowly nodded and stood up from the chair to get onto one level with Shindo, who just stood there in the middle of the still quite messy room, unmoving.

"I did," he confirmed and paused for a moment, thinking about the best way to start. Then he decided to just say the words and he could answer the questions Shindo would undoubtedly have later. "I wanted to apologize for last time. I had a rough day, and… I wasn't handling things the way I should have…"

Akira's voice drifted off and he stopped speaking. Shindo still looked at him with the same expression, and he didn't know what else he could offer to him. They just stared at each other for several seconds before Shindo finally reacted to what he had heard by looking away to gaze at one corner of the stuffed little room and nodding absently.

"Don't worry about it. I– I know why _that_ happened." His voice was low and gloomy, just like the weather outside, but he didn't sound at all as if he was blaming Akira for anything. In fact, it sounded more like he was already resigned to this being the way for things to go between them. Akira scowled at him and took a step forward. The room was so small, that it brought him only one more step away from Shindo.

Shindo looked up now with another false smile on his lips. He was trying to console Akira - as if he was the injured party here - and placed a hand on his shoulder. And again, Akira couldn't stop his reaction before he flinched away, even though he had told himself repeatedly that he wouldn't do that anymore. But Shindo didn't seem to mind this time; in fact, he looked content with his reaction, even if a bit sad. Akira realized then that Shindo had done it on purpose.

"See, I get this often," the blond man said almost casually, while retracting his hand and turning away from Akira. He didn't look at him; instead he was staring again at that same point in the air he had been earlier. "… From all kind of people, even from some who don't know _that_ about me. I understand, really. It's okay."

Shindo turned towards the small kitchenette in the far corner of the room and switched the topic. "Do you some want tea? You must be cold from the rain."

Akira said yes, and thanked him. There was silence. While Shindo had his back turned to him, boiling the water and pulling out teabags Akira had time to digest what he had been told just minutes ago, and the tone in which he had been told. It wasn't much of an effort to guess that Shindo wasn't blaming Akira, because he blamed himself instead. It sounded like a mantra he was repeating to himself – not really speaking to Akira, not even looking at him, instead staring at something only he was able to see.

Shindo was acting as if he didn't care, he was smiling that awful bright smile of his Akira had been familiar with since he had first seen him winning a game. But in reality Shindo was not that confident. Akira could hear the rattling of china as he tried to move them with trembling hands. It reminded Akira of the last night at the hotel. Shindo had been making tea at the time, too. This gave both of them a chance to compose themselves, but it also gave Akira the opportunity to observe the blond man while trying to figure him out. He wasn't able to wrap his mind around him just yet, but Shindo's reaction showed that this apology of his hadn't gone into the right direction. Akira still felt as if he owned him something.

Akira was so in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed that Shindo was already done preparing the tea. He had brought the cups on a platter and instead of giving one of them to Akira; he had put it down next to him onto the table, carefully avoiding any contact. Akira only noticed the rattling of china when his tea got served. He thanked Shindo and took a few sips of it – never had anything felt better than the hot beverage at that moment.

Akira slowly looked up at Shindo, who was standing leaning against the table, since the only chair was occupied by Akira, and he seemed uncomfortable to sit on his bed. Akira observed the other while they were drinking their tea – neither of them pulling the rim of the cup far enough to be expected to say something. He wanted to tell Shindo that it still wasn't right and he shouldn't have forgiven him so easily. It surprised him that he actually wanted Shindo to be angry with him, he didn't want forgiveness that he hadn't atoned for. It made him just feel guiltier that he wasn't able to see behind the public face of a person whom he wanted to become friends with. And he didn't want Shindo to treat him just like another stranger. He wanted Shindo to expect Akira to support him and be comfortable with every aspect of him – just like a real friend would. He wanted to tell Shindo that, but he wasn't sure he wouldn't look too presumptuous if he just did that. He didn't think Shindo had considered their acquaintance close enough for allowing those things to be said out openly. Thus he didn't say anything; instead he opted for Shindo to start the conversation.

The blond man apparently didn't feel comfortable with the silence lasting for so long. He finally put down his teacup and half-turned towards Akira, looking at him with a guarded expression.

"Do you want me to call a taxi?"

Akira shook his head and almost answered that his car was parked just a few corners further. After hearing the last word, though, he remembered the last time Shindo and a taxi were involved, and how he had "handled" that situation. He was tired with his own mistakes and he was tired with the game of hide and seek the situation had forced him to play. So at the last moment he changed his mind and instead asked what he had contemplated for the best part of his stay there.

"Are you really contended with me acting like a jerk? Why do you forgive me so easily?"

Shindo was caught off guard by those words and his friendly mask slipped minutely. Akira put down his tea, stood up and took the last step separating him from the other player. Shindo just stared at him while Akira gently freed his cup from the grip of his fingers and put it down next to his. The sound that left his throat was halfway between a whimper and a protest, but he didn't try to wrench away his hand when Akira slowly took it into his own, showing that he was well able to control himself – and shook it. He knew that Shindo could feel his arm trembling and the slight clamminess of his fingers, but he held on. This was as much a demonstration for Shindo that Akira could and would be able to overcome his fears, as much a test for himself. His instincts started to calm down after a while, and stopped screaming at him to free his trapped hand and flee as far and as fast as possible. The urge didn't stop altogether; his subconscious still considered Shindo a danger, but now he was able to handle it.

There was a few seconds nervous silence, and then Akira took a deep breath and risked a half-smile, while his eyes still hadn't broken contact with Shindo's murky green ones.

"I don't need you to be considerate of me. I don't want to belong to the people who you don't even want to be bothered with, and therefore don't care what they think of you. I want to be someone you can trust and can confide in. I want to be there for you, because I want you to be there for me."

Akira observed the effect his words had on the other pro. He took in the incredulous look and the little crease which was slowly forming on the other man's forehead.

"Why?" Shindo asked finally.

"I want you to be my friend."

Shindo suddenly appeared shaken, but he didn't refuse his offer nor the short embrace that followed the silent approval – which Akira deemed appropriate for the beginning of their new 'friends'-status.

After that they pulled away from each other, pretending that they didn't notice the sharpness of the movements with which Akira let go of Shindo's hand. Shindo made another cup of tea for both of them and they started on an easy conversation without the mention of any of the topics. Shindo seemed still a bit distant and not fully there, but Akira thought nothing of it. He attributed it to the fact that he was still just familiarizing himself with the new situation, just like Akira.

He went home with a contented gleam in his eyes and a half-smirk twitching the corners of his mouth after the rain had finally given over.

TBC


End file.
